Showing posts with label sarcastic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarcastic. Show all posts

Friday, September 23, 2011


Gut always wins! When Kyle and I were pulling out of the parking lot a ranger had just passed us and was making his way into the parking lot. But that was earlier now I sit hear waiting for my room mate to come out of her room to show me if I approve of her outfit for the night. Granted I almost never approve cause generally shows to much of something but it is more of color and look on her she cares. Honestly that is why I say no somethings.
“So what about this? Cheetah lingerie too much?”
“For what exactly? Sleeping or walking down a street?”
“Oh funny little pun in there. I am picking up better on you calling me a prostitute. And neither, trying out this new club and suppose to be trendy and the newest it thing. So cheetah a win?”
“Well cheetah is always in but we are no longer in college so seems slightly desperate-”
“That is something I’m so not-”
“Possibly put on the new dress-”
“I want to be scene for my brains-”
“Or try on that top with those leggings-”
“I have a lot to offer-”
“So maybe cheetah wedges?”
“Yes! I will wear the lacy top, with black tight skirt and heels! They will believ I am trendy, young, innovative, and will talk and I will fill them with my knowledge.”
Before I could even answer she’s hugging me and running and swilling back into her room. Dear Lord what did I just give her and idea for. I put my book down and grab my mug to pour some more tea.
“So how did things go?”
“Go?”
“Umm hello I totally know you were with Kyle earlier!”
“Oh, umm they went.”
“Come on, I need some details. I live for this. Sweet innocent roommate who stays in on her Thursday nigh reading a book and drinking tea, like such a clique of good girl. With the crazy roommate who gets ready and takes shots. Now come on! I will end up meeting a random dude who will be no good for me in about two hours, but I will know you spent time with a good guy today. So when I come home crying later about my mistakes I will remember your story in the taxi at least.”
“Your so twisted.”
“I don’t like to think twisted. More knowing I’m young, I have a right to be stupid so I might as well take advantage. I am turning twenty-six in two weeks so I only have two more weeks of this excuse. After that I am just a reckless person.”
“Oh so twenty-six is time to grow up?”
“Well yes, I would like to be married someday do you find that shocking?”
“Slightly yes. But your reasoning I will just skip over that whole deal.”
“Olivia come on!”
“What?”
“Kyle, story now! It will totally not be as good when I have to go up to Andrew later and ask him what Kyle said. Kyle gives like no detail so it’s a bunch of he said they did this. It was good. Blah, blah, blah! I need to hear about the romance and spark of it all!”
“Haha well cannot see Kyle being the romancer.”
“Don’t laugh! He’s quit the catch-”
“More talker and hoping I hear him while staying silent-”
“You could end up falling for him-”
“Well maybe not silent but more mysterious-”
“He’s a really great guy-”
“No not mysterious, just what is the word-”
“Andrews a great guy too-”
“I can’t put my finger on it-”
“Olivia are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“So you think a double could work?”
“Work for what?”
“You, Kyle, Andrew and I?”
“Do you know what Andrew’s job is?”
“Yeah he works with kids.”
“What kind of kids?”
“I think middle school.”
“Yes and what does he do with these kids?”
“Umm teaches them obviously! Goodness Olivia I’m not an idiot!”
“But what does he teach them.”
“Whatever you learn in middle school.”
“Right, he’s a youth pastor.”
“Okay so he’s-”
“Yep!”
“Whatttt!” And now the freak out begins. “He, he, God, works for, what?! But he goes to the bar. He sees me dressed, God, works for, what?!” Oh maybe shouldn’t have had the big lead in. “He must think I’m satan.” Yep bad idea, no lead in. “I dress, boobs, he has probably, oh man! Oh man!” Looks like my tea shall wait. “I need a drink.” Oy.

Thursday, July 28, 2011


The officer has been sitting across from me just starring at me in shock of my mother not caring I was pronounced dead. Is this real life? I am either in some weird scenario life where it is normal for cars to just come a long and take you. What is this? This morning my biggest thought was dealing with the type A people who are happy with life and car pool together. Now I have to figure out how I am not dead. Why would someone want me dead? Who is this wife they say I have? Where the eff am I? What is with me being the only one taken?
“Okay Brooks, so why are you not dead?” The lieutenant is walking through the door with a folder and a lot more paper in it than something from just the events of the day. I guess the government if always watching. “You seem like a normal enough guy. From Jersey getting a big job in the city. Smooth sailing. Why would someone want you dead? Since they wanted you dead and you seem like live life on this same schedule how could they mess up killing the wrong dude?”
“Yeah see I could totally be the dead guy. But I go to church. Nothing too out there. Not like joining Islam or Communist party.”
“Are you saying this is a terrorist attack?”
“No. What! Are you guys insane?”
“Calm down Brooks. Tell us why are you here?”
Why am I here? That is the big questions? Why am I here? Well lets see some dudes in a suit toke me away from where I was. Does that sound about right? “Lets see. I got to work. Went up to my office. Oh and right there was a dead guy!”
“I am compelled to treat you like a hostile witness.”
“Whatever. And I wasn’t even a witness I came in after you.” This is who is protecting our government. No wonder why firewalls are so easy to crack and we get bombed. These guys probably thought it would be an easy lay for them to wear the suit and a badge. I think they were twenty years off. Generation of technology buddies. “Can I pee?”
“Officer take him to the bathroom.”

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I’m sure you enjoyed my awkwardest state. But now with this story. I never wanted to date someone who isn’t my friend first. Honestly, world wind romances don’t last, and are so last season. It is not simply a friends with benefits thing either that is just so not classy. I want to marry my best friend and have them be with me everyday. I understand the concept that guys and girls cannot be just friends. They can if you realize they cannot be your best friend. Now let me start off the with the story of wilderness guy, is all started on a stormy night of me needing a rescue, this guy can out of no where and saved my life! No serious I’ll stop playing no night in shining armor simply your average joe, meet at an even thrown by my siblings friends where I knew no one. I clung to my siblings but saw this guy who seemed pretty quit and like he was in the same boat. So I made my way over and say hi.
“Hi, I’m Mike.”
“Mike? Nice to meet you I’m Monica.” We shake hand as a sign of meeting and acknowledgment. 
“What brings you out to the woods?”
“Well my siblings know the people here so I tagged a long. You say that like it’s a bad thing or something.”
“Oh no I didn’t mean it that way at all!”
“Okay good. But this is a pretty sweet set up they have here. I’m sure you could go riding anywhere.”
“You ride?”
“I know the dress and sandals don’t really play a part of a riding girl but I do.”
“Oh just don’t meet many girls that do ride.”
“Yeah people generally don’t get it, I was the only girl that rode at my school growing up. But we also lived in the suburbs so not a lot of places to go.”
“Oh yeah I don’t live around here but this is my friends place so we come here on the weekends.”
“This would be awesome to go riding. Do you ride quads or dirt bikes.”
“Well I borrow a friends bike.”
“Better than what I got, parents got ride of my stuff a few years back so now I just appreciate those who can still ride.”
“Nice.”
“Hey Mike.” I turn and see this guy I swear is Mike’s age, maybe a little taller, and slightly hickish. 
“Hey man.” I am not sure about what to do they are both slightly starring at me. But this does not phase me. I come from a large family and slightly out spoken.
“Hi I’m Monica.” I put my hand out for an introduction. He shakes it.
“Hi. So Mike are you coming here tomorrow? Frank got a new mountain bike and wants to break it in.”
“Yeah I’m down with that.” They both just nod. I give I little glance over the crowd. No one really seems interesting.
“So I’m guessing one without a name you ride too.”
“Yeah.”
“Right and your not one for the art of conversation.” I now I must come off as a major bitch right now but seriously who just shakes a girls hand, talks to the person they’re with about plans and doesn’t offer up a name? Like come on. Okay I will try not to interrupt the story again.
“Umm. I just wanted to check with him for plans tomorrow. Sorry I’m Shay.”
“Nice to meet you say.” I then smile and just walk away.