Douche! That is the main thing going through my mind when I pull into my garage. You know happy thoughts of course. I was so happy having a lovely day, well okay maybe wasn’t the best because I have been super moody but I was on the upswing to be happy and things looking up for a brighter night that I was even considering going out tonight. Not a big thing but I was out of my funk. So I tell him that I am thinking that I’ll end up going over. He says this other girl is coming whose ‘just a friend’ so it’d be better if I don’t. Come again? Was I know the girl you were making out with the other night? Obviously I should be the one told to not come over.

Douche! I am just staring at my steering wheel, I somehow had the thought process to turn off my car and take my keys out. Stomping up the steps from my garage into my house I move past the people, it is as if they are figures and I do not know how we got to where we are now. One minute things are great! Okay let’s be real maybe it wasn’t great, or good for that matter. Maybe it just was. But just was, was better than what it is now. When I look at him I feel disgust. No, I don’t even look at him or think of him. Well, I do think of him that is a lie because he is what’s fueling this intense productively.

A guy. A silly boy is what is fueling this crazed let’s get work done and over drive mentality. He is only a boy because he is not a man so a boy is fitting. You can be the age of a man but not act or have the attitude of one. That is besides the point. One of the biggest tensions between a guy and a girl is whether they like one another or not. The closer they get, the more confused they get. There are connections that are made, an unspeakable bond you could say. Knowing how the other thinks, their past, and them talking about your future. The future makes it come off as though they will be in each others futures in a different way.There is something special and different about this one. They say guys and girls cannot be just friends. We should have listened. Getting to this level of being so close that it almost seemed inevitable. 

No. I was a strong woman. I knew where my head was at. I was focused. We said just friends. There were to be no feelings or any sort of connection. That is what we agreed on didn’t we? Then how did I let this happen? I gave in, I gave in, I gave, I have feelings for you. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You know too much about me, I know so much about you. I can’t like you. I choose not to like you. It’s so hard when you smile at me the way you do. I told you it was distraction and now I feel like a smile never leaves your face. These little distractions. All sweet and innocent.

Where is that silly notebook. I need to get all this out of my head. It is all trapped in here. It is making me go mad! I need it out. A release of pen to paper is like a drug. A crazy, mad unspeakable drug. Where the, oh of course next to my bed. Why would I be rummaging through these draws to my desk that just end up with things thrown in them? I have no idea. I just think I just needed to slam things.

“Hey, umm is everything okay?”

“Whose that?”

“Well Rach is you turn around or would recognize your roommate of the last twenty years you’d know it’s your sister. What’s wrong.”

“Sorry Gen. I just have had a horrible day and need to write it out. So unless you want me to project it on you let me get it out on paper, burn it and be done with it then we can talk.”

“I think before talking we’ll need some wine.”

“That too. And chocolate.”

“Yes.”

“No screw that this silly thing is not getting me down. I am going for a freaking long ass run. A run to trump all runs. I am not going to do the stereotypical girl thing of curling up in a depressed ball and giving into my feelings. Screw that!”

“Okay.”

“Now get out let me right and then run.”

“Good luck with that.”

Gen slowly closes the door behind her leaving me to my thoughts. Thank God! I love my sister but she will simply complain if I at all complain to her because she has told me from the beginning I am being stupid with this guy and she just doesn’t like him. Maybe she’s right. No, she was right. I don’t know why I’ve been waiting around and for him this long. What’s so great about him anyway? Umm, yeah I’m going to need time to answer that one.

Where was I? Oh right DOUCHE! DOUCHE! DOUCHE! Ehh where to even freaking begin? Umm yeah it’s great you made your big move, congrat - u -freaking - lations! You can make out with a girl but you can’t do the follow through. Honestly guys think they can do anything they so please with anyone and that in the end it was the girl thinking to much about it all. But come freaking on! If there was never a conversation about dating, something happens, and then you talk okay yeah understandable. There was conversations. Yes, plural. Many. More than one. So seriously what were you thinking?!

Obviously there is a back story to all of this. I will not go back to the very beginning, that is simply too much of a backstory to this whole melodrama stupidity. Let’s set a scene for the beginning of the summer. Everyone like the summer, it’s fun easy and relaxed right? Well, this summer seemed to start off at just a little preview for how this relationship was going to play out and just grow into greater confusion.