Young Love

This way or that way who really knows which way is right? I would like to think the guidance I have absorbed at this point has given me some sort of accountability. Okay maybe accountability might be too much. More like a precedence to what I am feeling I want to do in the moment. Yeah that should be the right assessment.

“Johnny your taking to long with those burgers.” Kristina yells from inside their new apartment they just got together. The two have been married for two years and while both thought at this stage they would be looking for a home to get to fill with kids but that has not happened. 

“Coming. Perfection can’t be rushed.” Johnny flips the burgers to not over due the one side while taking a swig from his beer. “Did you chop up tomatoes.”

“Of course I did my portion.” Kristina answer as she comes through the sliding door to their porch. She comes from behind Johnny putting her arms around his waste and resting her head on his back.

“Trying to start something.” Johnny gives a slight smirk.

Kristina tightens her arms a little more and slightly inches his shirt up above his belt buckle. “Yeah right.” She releases her arms and heads back inside. “Hurry up with those things will ya.”

“Such a tease.” He shakes his head and begins taking the burgers off the grill.

“Nope, just hungry. See it got you to hurry up.” Kristina smiles from her small victory and moves to the counter to sit across from Johnny’s place. “Do you want another beer?”

“I’m good.” Johnny answers as he comes through the sliding door, closing it and moving to the counter. His puts the food down and holds his wife hand. He looks into her eyes, “How did I get so lucky.”

“No clue.” She leans in towards him and kisses him. Then sits back down and begins serving him his food.

They eat in silence which seems to be a normal thing now. Kristina cannot stand silence when eating so she now as grown accustomed to putting on the music. The two of them have always enjoyed they can eat and not feel the need to talk. Their relationship has been like this from the beginning. Neither thought it was awkward that on their first dinner date they talked, then got the food, and became silent while they ate till they finished. It is a content feeling and both thought it was a blessing. There was just a feeling of being content. They enjoyed their time together and just being with one another. It wasn’t what was happening, what was going on, or what they were doing but they were there.

It all starts in to local coffee shop. Many people use coffee shops to get to know a person and see if there is a chance for a relationship. That is the traditional way to look at things. Well, this was a first time grabbing coffee to share how a relationship was not going to happen.

“I just asked you to go there because I thought you would enjoy it. There was not alternative motive.”

“The way you were talking about it and plans made it come off that you were planning it for just us and had planned for it to mean more.”

“Yeah I thought it would be something that we could do, but I was the one asking.”

“Yeah I know you asked.”

“Right. I am the girl. Me asking, not you. If you had asked it would have been different. There would have been a thought process of maybe this is more than just friends, but it was me.”

“I know, but you made it sound like you wanted more to come out of it.”

“How?” I shift in my car in a slight confusion trying to remember the conversation we had of me asking him to go. I talked it up in excitement because I have good memories of the place and honestly thought he would have really enjoyed going to it.

“You just kept saying how I would enjoy it and didn’t seem like you wanted anyone else to go.” He just sits there seeming so uncomfortable and awkward.

“Honestly that is just how I am. I like getting to know people and building relationships with them so I spend time one on one time with them. In a group you can’t do that. There are just others and distractions, it just makes it hard. I don’t really know what you want me to say. You don’t really know who I am or much about me so you just assumed these were my attentions.”

“Well . . . you would joke about us dating.”

“I also told you it would never work out for us to date.”

“I know.”

“So apparently me thinking we would never date and telling you it wouldn’t work out clearly means that I want to date you.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“I am just trying to understand.” I am trying to hold back my defensive tone but he isn’t being rational. His responses are coming off so quiet and as though he is uncomfortable and doesn’t believe what he says. “If you are making accusations about me liking you and wanting more you should be able to back up your thinking.”

“I just . . . I got, I just got this feeling so I stopped it before it went further.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah so anyway how’s your coffee?” Seriously? This guy really has no back bone.

“It’s good. Listen I am getting kind of tired and I cam here to talk to settle things but you don’t seem interested in doing that.” I begin to move off the seat and he still is just staring at me. Is he really this dumb?

“I thought we did.”

“Do you not talk things out to make them better?”

“I never have before no.”

“Seriously?”

“No. I haven’t.” He just stares and me and shrugs his soldiers like I’m the crazy one/”

“Wow. That is ridiculous. Have you not had a friend you’ve wanted to talk things out with, or even a girl you liked or liked you?”

“I don’t. I just don’t talk about it or to them really and then we just start talking again.”

“Wow that’s really immature. Sorry but it’s true.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, umm, when you want to talk, then reach out, but for now I am not going to waste my time just pushing something under the rug that you brought up. It may seem like I am making a big deal about this, but I can’t believe you brought this up and didn’t expect to talk about it.”

“I just don’t.”

“Just don’t what?”

“Talk about things. I get over it and that’s it.”

“Yeah, well when you have an issue with a person you need to say something to them.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” I have no idea what to say or think in this situation. Am I being defensive or a typical girl and over thinking things? He’s making me feel like the crazy one. I break my muffin in half contemplating this. He sits there tapping on his drink with his fingers. Just tapping, making no noise but just a distraction in the silence of awkward that has just transpired. 

I shift to cross my legs the opposite way leaning back to pull the wrapper off the bottom half of my muffin. Chocolate chip muffins from dunking are always softer than a bakery or bagel shop makes them. It is harder to break and harder to eat. Why did I even get a muffin? The donuts are good enough and I wouldn’t mind having a Boston creme. Ahh my thoughts are all over the place.

Rachel get your head straight. “So how’s that muffin working out?”

“It’s working. I don’t know about the good or bad. Kinda making me think why I didn’t just get a donut.”

“You can still get one.”

“I’m good.”

“Okay, well if your not happy with something you can change it.” Oh the irony.

Douche! That is the main thing going through my mind when I pull into my garage. You know happy thoughts of course. I was so happy having a lovely day, well okay maybe wasn’t the best because I have been super moody but I was on the upswing to be happy and things looking up for a brighter night that I was even considering going out tonight. Not a big thing but I was out of my funk. So I tell him that I am thinking that I’ll end up going over. He says this other girl is coming whose ‘just a friend’ so it’d be better if I don’t. Come again? Was I know the girl you were making out with the other night? Obviously I should be the one told to not come over.

Douche! I am just staring at my steering wheel, I somehow had the thought process to turn off my car and take my keys out. Stomping up the steps from my garage into my house I move past the people, it is as if they are figures and I do not know how we got to where we are now. One minute things are great! Okay let’s be real maybe it wasn’t great, or good for that matter. Maybe it just was. But just was, was better than what it is now. When I look at him I feel disgust. No, I don’t even look at him or think of him. Well, I do think of him that is a lie because he is what’s fueling this intense productively.

A guy. A silly boy is what is fueling this crazed let’s get work done and over drive mentality. He is only a boy because he is not a man so a boy is fitting. You can be the age of a man but not act or have the attitude of one. That is besides the point. One of the biggest tensions between a guy and a girl is whether they like one another or not. The closer they get, the more confused they get. There are connections that are made, an unspeakable bond you could say. Knowing how the other thinks, their past, and them talking about your future. The future makes it come off as though they will be in each others futures in a different way.There is something special and different about this one. They say guys and girls cannot be just friends. We should have listened. Getting to this level of being so close that it almost seemed inevitable. 

No. I was a strong woman. I knew where my head was at. I was focused. We said just friends. There were to be no feelings or any sort of connection. That is what we agreed on didn’t we? Then how did I let this happen? I gave in, I gave in, I gave, I have feelings for you. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You know too much about me, I know so much about you. I can’t like you. I choose not to like you. It’s so hard when you smile at me the way you do. I told you it was distraction and now I feel like a smile never leaves your face. These little distractions. All sweet and innocent.

Where is that silly notebook. I need to get all this out of my head. It is all trapped in here. It is making me go mad! I need it out. A release of pen to paper is like a drug. A crazy, mad unspeakable drug. Where the, oh of course next to my bed. Why would I be rummaging through these draws to my desk that just end up with things thrown in them? I have no idea. I just think I just needed to slam things.

“Hey, umm is everything okay?”

“Whose that?”

“Well Rach is you turn around or would recognize your roommate of the last twenty years you’d know it’s your sister. What’s wrong.”

“Sorry Gen. I just have had a horrible day and need to write it out. So unless you want me to project it on you let me get it out on paper, burn it and be done with it then we can talk.”

“I think before talking we’ll need some wine.”

“That too. And chocolate.”

“Yes.”

“No screw that this silly thing is not getting me down. I am going for a freaking long ass run. A run to trump all runs. I am not going to do the stereotypical girl thing of curling up in a depressed ball and giving into my feelings. Screw that!”

“Okay.”

“Now get out let me right and then run.”

“Good luck with that.”

Gen slowly closes the door behind her leaving me to my thoughts. Thank God! I love my sister but she will simply complain if I at all complain to her because she has told me from the beginning I am being stupid with this guy and she just doesn’t like him. Maybe she’s right. No, she was right. I don’t know why I’ve been waiting around and for him this long. What’s so great about him anyway? Umm, yeah I’m going to need time to answer that one.

Where was I? Oh right DOUCHE! DOUCHE! DOUCHE! Ehh where to even freaking begin? Umm yeah it’s great you made your big move, congrat - u -freaking - lations! You can make out with a girl but you can’t do the follow through. Honestly guys think they can do anything they so please with anyone and that in the end it was the girl thinking to much about it all. But come freaking on! If there was never a conversation about dating, something happens, and then you talk okay yeah understandable. There was conversations. Yes, plural. Many. More than one. So seriously what were you thinking?!

Obviously there is a back story to all of this. I will not go back to the very beginning, that is simply too much of a backstory to this whole melodrama stupidity. Let’s set a scene for the beginning of the summer. Everyone like the summer, it’s fun easy and relaxed right? Well, this summer seemed to start off at just a little preview for how this relationship was going to play out and just grow into greater confusion.

After about two bottle of win roommate finally calmed down. Thankfully she didn’t go out. I hope she stays in for the day. Maybe it is an upside to not being employed. Where is this train? The platform to this place seems to get grosser everyday but there is just something about the metro that makes me appreciate it. Normally I am not as antisocial as I am now, not like I go up and talk to strangers but I don’t wear head phones and sunglasses while going place to place. But after barely sleeping and waking up it was needed, plus Adele just seemed to be speaking my language today.

Now don’t instantly think girl problems and need to hear broken women songs. That is not the case. Just a soulful voice with a message and good beat. I just-whose touching me? 

“Olivia?” I pull out my head phones, take off the glasses and see the new guy.

“Hey, how are you?” He goes in for a hug and without realize I hold me breathe. My heart begins to race and head slightly spin.

“Been good, started packing but then something told me to not go, so I called off leaving and been here.”

“Oh wow! That’s crazy.”

“Yeah, bosses weren’t really happy, or the buddy I was suppose to be living with, but then it just pushed him to take this girl he’s been seen for years with him. So guys everyones made happy.”

“Seems to be that way.”

“Yeah, what about you?”

“Been the usual work grind, figuring out life, you know the works of being twenty four.”

“Ahh yes what it is to be young!”

“Ha, yes young. If only my mind was not that of a fifty year old person. I go to bed at eleven the latest and my roommate thinks I’m insane.”

“Wow eleven, what a crazy thought!”

“I know, getting a little crazy.”

“My roommates are the same. Well he was, keep forgetting he’s now in Canada. But I would want to stay in if I’ve had a long day and just relax with a book or do some drawing and he would think I was the strangest person.”

“Reading?! Who does that anymore?”

“Weird people I guess.”

“Funny story with that. Roommate comes out of her room all ready for this new trendy club while I’m sitting drinking tea and reading. Should could not hide no matter how hard she tried to hold back her judge face.”

“Well then the life of the educated instead of the young.”

“I guess.” Now the train comes. “This you?”

“No I’m the next one.”

“Alright well it was good to run into you again.”

“Yeah same.” Now I go to put my head phones back in and make my way to the train. “Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t forget your shades.”

“Oh thanks.” How did he get my shades? Guess I’ll awkwardly smile and continue on my way.

When I finally get to my seat I look out and he looks so confused. “What just happened?”

“Just jump!”

“Oh funny Kyle, why don’t go go first.” Standing at the edge of this cliff I have been countless times before doesn’t make this any easier. So dark with an almost endless bottom, however there lay rocks below the surface, but safe enough for us to jump. Welp, God is this is how we should meet at least make it epic. All that’s left is to push off this rock. I make the jump and there is the second of fear, joy, bliss, and then you hit the water.

“That was unreal!” I look up and see this huge smile on Kyle’s face.

“I knew you’d love this.” Kyle the pushes off the rocks jumping just to the left of me. I was still afraid he’d land on me but there was a solid distance. His head pops up covered with water running off of it, his hair all flat and all disheveled. He laughs at me and then shakes his hair. Making me turn away from him. I begin to swim to the shore. Not sure of where to go exactly, but I know I want to avoid us being in the water together. Being on land is easier being one on one rather than in the water. I don’t know what could come of this. Did I want anything to happen?

“So you love it?”

“Yeah thank you so much for bringing me here. The beauty here is incomparable.”

“Yeah its not bad.”

“Not bad? Oh man the trees with the view from the rocks. It’s so peaceful. There are very few places in where you could look at and just be in awe of the beauty that surrounds you and just the magic of it all. Only the creator could make this magic. No artist could replicate this nor photograph capture the essence of this.”

“Wow someone’s turning deep on me.”

“Sorry, just don’t understand when things go unappreciated. For example as you the simplicity of this view. You think it’s nice yes?”

“Yeah, so.”

“That’s it. It’s not a negative thing. I’m sure you would see something that I see as nice as something with so much detail that words are solely not enough for.”

“Right. I can see where your coming from.” Sadly I don’t believe him. Maybe he does know what I mean. I shouldn’t be thinking so much about comparing the guys. But it’s so easy. Fantasy verses what’s right in front of you the fantasy tends to win. Kyle is starring of into the distance and something about his face look out into the distance shows me he understands. He does not voice his thoughts and it’s easy to see him doing this is a lot for him. Should it be this much work for him to show who he is?

“Let’s jump again!” We have been sitting at the bottom where you need to climb up.

“Oh now you want to jump again? I jumped like six times before you even went once.”

“So? First you just wanted to jump to show me, then I could tell you couldn’t keep standing still so needed to jump. I like taking my time with things.”

“Right, come on just keep going.” When I get to the top I see across people have started coming but something tells me that we should start making our way down.

“Kyle would you be good if this is our last jump?”

“Sure, thought you’d want to be here for a longer but we could head back.”

“No I want to, just getting a guy feeling we should start heading back.”

“Alright sure.”

Tossing and turning is a sure sign of this life being unreal. However instead of waking up and acknowledging it is a new day, I wake up wondering what on earth is happening. I yearn to hear from him and await the moment of his return. But why? Why is this one so special? A hug can cause all this confusion. Well forget that, I need to brush my teeth. But seriously. Why him?

Truly nothing that sticks out about him, he’s quirky, sarcastic and not direct. SO fickle and not direct. Clearly none of those are winners right? Am I just bored of being single? I have been doing fine as being a single person but is that the problem? I have become too good at becoming single?

Wow listen to me I’m sounding like such a women! I should just get dressed this is ridiculous. Thank God it’s sunny out! Sun dress it is. At least that is something easy and simple I can handle. No second guess. Just walk in grab a bright dress fitting my mood. It’s a good thing I don’t have to shave and can do a strapless bra. I should probably bring a change of clothes because God only knows what I will end up doing later, hike, swimming, or just anything. Summer is amazing for this.

“Olivia what are you doing?” I turn and see my roommate coming into my room looking like she’s still recovering from the night before.

“Getting dressed.”

“You have been talking out loud to yourself for the last hour about some guy, who is he?”

“I haven’t!”

“You have. It was entertaining me until you were talking about that other guy you’ve liked but he’s way to shy for anything to happen, but now you totally have a chance for him. Just sayin’ play the field and not just one.”

“Ha! Funny I’m just making friends not playing anything. Playing the field involves games and not being myself. No thank you. Plus I will only play one. Well not play, but just think of one guy. God didn’t put me here for many but one. Well hopefully-”

“Oh shut up. I get it God has a plan for you blah blah blah! But come one, God never said to not have fun! I’m going to have a shot then grab coffee you want to come?”

“I’m good, meeting up  with some people in a few.”

“Okay. see ya. Oh and say hello to the new boy.” Oh room mate how special is thee. I daily question my choice but then she always makes me lean on God more and not be so caught up in my world and reminds me there are people out there needing saving. Such a double edge sword.

Did she really hear me talking? I thought it was all in my head! Guess not, fail! Welp can’t say hi to the new guy because no way to communicate, and he never bothered to get my number. But the old guy she wasn’t wrong about, but I feel like now it wouldn’t be hard to date him, but is he really someone I want to be with?

Sorry for the wait

You’d think I would learn my lesson the first time. I grew up being a simple kid from the suburbs, went to college, and now have a job in the city. Basically what your told in high school the life you should have and many people try to reach that bar. Now I’m here sitting in my car dreading those minutes ticking down for me to walk into my office and ask how the eff did I get here. Look at my other coworkers walking in. They car pool. All like they’re friends and truly love their lives. It makes me sick. Guess I should get out of my car and head in. Look at my car it’s even a freakin’ BMW. I am the clique of what life I was told to live. I could be all suave and walk in with shades, lock the car behind me and own this building. But I know this building would be an easy hot shot and I could sleep with any girl I choose. Now I’m not a cocky guy but for this office I am one of the people who have a life out of the office, I work out, and I do a lot of volunteer work so I am a freakin’ catch.

The thing is women working in this office have no lives outside of work. All day they work and may go out one weekend night and it’s to blow off steam with girls they party with. Partying women, well they shouldn’t even be called women they are actually girls due to their actions, do not have true friends and don’t know how to be a friend. Why waste my time? Goodness. Take the elevator and be trapped with someone in it and either talk or stand in silence, I’ll that the stairs. This way it is passing by people not chit-chat and these people wouldn’t walk the stairs even if the building was on fire. I know sounds like a stretch but kids with trust-funds come from their own little world. I worked my way here, I commute from Jersey. I place these people probably think traveling from they need shots or something.

One floor down now only five to go. Sure I may be late to my desk but coming from the stairs looks better. My boss will simply look at me ask about the weather or something and then give me two task to do. routine is his thing. Three floors down, three to go. I wonder what could be on the menu this morning for breakfast. Maybe a muffin, or a bagel. Oh the options. Sixth floor. Made it, here goes nothing.

“Back away!” A police man is pushing everyone to the side. I see blood on the walls and shattered glass everywhere. Women crying and people puking. What just happened?!

Monica wakes up the next morning feeling so confused. Look at her clock and sees it’s noon. “When did it become noon and how did I get home?”

“It was a struggle but I somehow managed.” Mike is walking into the room just wearing his boxes.” Monica cannot hide the shock on her face. “Don’t worry we didn’t do anything I slept on the couch, and I can’t exactly be wearing my clothes because someone decided it would be a wonderful idea to fall spilling their drink all over me. so wearing a crusty alcohol soaked suit was not happening.”

“I am so embarrassed. I am so sorry!”

Mike put his hand up to stop her. “Don’t worry. You had a lot of questions and kept shocking you that you went with the easy escape.”

“At least I only get drunk once a year or this would be really embarrassing.”

“What was really embarrassing was your friend Andrew coming over and finding me in my boxers in your kitchen.”

“Haha! Oh I will have to call Andrew and explain.”

“He has a key to your place?”

“Yep. He comes here about three times a week in the morning with coffee and we head to work together.”

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, he’s such an amazing friend, been there for me since I came here.”

“You didn’t grow up in San Fran?”

“Nope came here solo after my parents passed away.”

“Wow.”

“That’s what happens when you nineteen and your parents pass away. But it’s life.”

“Listen I get the no parents thing, they may have been there but they weren’t. Physically there but everything else, no. My dad has no clue about me even leaving New York. I’m not sure he even cares I’m in California. My mom isn’t much better. But it is what it is.”

“I’m sorry. I know doesn’t mean anything but mine were taken and didn’t have a choice while yours do. I know not helping but I couldn’t image in that.” Monica seemed to get lost in a world simply playing with the sheets. Mike take this cue and makes his way next to her just holding her. They stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon. Each getting lost in their own world but not wanting to loss the other person.

The world seemed to pass them by for the day letting them get take out and eating on the floor in her living room to watch a movie, vegged out, and got lost in conversation. Places they wish to travel to, places they’ve been, and making a destination place that they promise they will only go together to. Life they have lived. The life they saw themselves living, or at least that they were meant to have. Things they would have done differently and things they want to do differently now. Mike wants to make a difference for the local teens to have out reaches to feel safe at. While Monica wants to see what the city has to offer. She has lived in San Fransico for about four years and has yet to see all of it if it is not friend or work related she has not ventured over there.

Before either of them realize it they are face to face leaning on the couch with knees almost touching as they lay with blankets around them. Looking at each other unsure of what is come next. They realize it is now dark but neither of them seem to care. The moment has taken them over and all they can do is look into each others eyes wishing this will never end.

End

I hope you enjoyed "The Nice Guy"! I have been working on "Mother like Zola". Post that I was doing a while ago. I will start posting that story from the beginning and having it go from there. That you for all of you who have been reading so far. I have had the most views yet since starting my blog, it truly means a lot to me. Later today I will add up the beginning of "Mother like Zola". Been hard to write since very much so out of my comfort zone but hope you enjoy!

Beginning

Everything has a beginning, a middle and a end. Well your up to speed on the middle, some of then end, so might as well share where this journey began. There might not be anything with a simple introduction. With this nice guy there was nothing there when I meet him. I actually noticed his best friend Ryan first. I wanted to stick around to talk to him but that didn’t really work out. Especially since the more I got to know his best friend I liked him but could not really see us dating. Or at least that is what I told myself.

A small group of talking and I don’t even know if me and the nice guy talk besides being told who he was. Since we were both getting to know the same group we were in large groups of people talking so did not really notice him. Then we began talking more with smaller groups. Finally to just have Ryan, him, my friend, and I just getting together. Should have known when Ryan and I would dominate the conversation but something intrigued him about him. Probably when I noticed he first liked me. It was about two months before he asked me out on a date. A small group got together to go bowling. Something really innocent correct. I don’t play but wanted to get to know people so went a long. Throughout the night I noticed him paying a lot of attention to me. I felt really special and wanted to get to know him more. (This might be why my mother thinks he was nervous, months of hanging out with everything fine, to a dud date, whatever). He would stay close to me, talk to only me and even dressed up! Not fancy but just a little spiffy. It made me feel really special and I like the attention.

He got to know a lot about my life and he shared some stories to relate. Conversation began to become easy between the two of us and I forgot I was originally interested in Ryan. The moment when I really feel for him though, was receiving the best good bye. Nothing major, simply him going out of his way to give me the sweetest hug. He just look at me I was expecting a high five from things in the way, but he moved them and said, “get over here!” I couldn’t help but smile. The moment the nice guy had my heart.