Last Post

Hey the last post was a story I had written for class and I thought it would be fun to put up the story. I am still working on the last story so here is more to it!

The ways I do things are a reflection of myself. Yes, I do things a little crazy, unconventional, and just seems to be ridiculous. If you had my mind and life, you would understand. However being an outsider and simply judging from a small interaction you observe of myself with another person, is no way to understand a person. When you get to know someone on a certain level it either makes your relationship stronger or there becomes a greater distance. The worst is when you know so much about a person, but there is this separation that happens, or there was a separation and a connection that was created at a distance. I’m not sure what’s worse. You be the judge, but all I know is that a connection face to face can easily be phased out. One at a distance where it’s purely your minds matching then leaving that person behind is harder.

Who knows if it is the heart that bonded or the mind with this connection. It’s hard to say. Even being in this world I can’t vocalize or understand where I stand. That is why this story has been created. Isn’t it funny when you can just share you life, it’s like your an open book. Well, words on a page that your now reading, judging my mind and my situation. Anyway, that’s enough from me. But isn’t this guys ridiculous, like ladies come one! And guys I know you need to stick with your bros, but help a guy out and talk to him about these things. Yes, guys it’s helpful to have girlfriends that you can talk to, but if all you have is girls that you bond with, then your just creating this bad cycle of bonding with a girl, she falls for you, you start to miss her, and then a new girl is in your life.

Guys, this is why girls don’t like you all the time.

Now that’s enough of this crazy girls rant. Let us pick back up from where I left you. I am home and dealing with realizing that what I just sat through was crazy and super ridiculous.

In the moment of talking to him the conversation went on to tangents of shows and movies. Yes, seems like small things but they were conversation flows that happened. Who doesn’t like a good movie? There was conversation and we were out for a while with one another, but what does that even show? That we can brush things under the rug and just go about the rest of the day? Hopefully, this doesn’t become a continuing issue. We did talk, and it was face to face which is important. Ahh I just need a nap.

Normal things

“Mom!” I scream from my room to be heard throughout the whole house.

“Yes?” I’m quivering.

“Please come here!” How could this honestly be happening?

“What’s wrong?” I look up and show my mom the cut on my arm. “Honey what happened?”

“I was moving this stupid chest so I could have space for Cameron to come over later and put up the shelves. Ehh, it burns!” I continue to whine, like this could honestly make this any better? I don’t know if I am more upset about the cut on my arm or that when Cameron comes over he will get sick from blood spilling on the ground and he’ll probably be able to still smell the blood from my cut even if it’s all bandaged up by the time he comes over.

“Here, how about we put on neosporum and cover that up.”

“Okay that should be good.” That should hide the smell as well. Oh if only my mom really knew why I was really freaking out. “Mom will the take away the smell of blood?”

“The smell? I guess when we clean you all up. But I can’t smell any of it. After we clean you all up just clean up your floor and you should be fine. It was barely anything.”

“I know I just. Never mind.”

“Okay. It’s just a small thing so I don’t understand the big deal.” Yeah the bug deal is blood makes my boyfriend go crazy. Not in the I’’m uncomfortable and going to get queasy kind, the more I want to drink all your blood and kill you kind. You know normal things. However if he did act on it, he would become seriously ill. Over time he’s built up his system to handle normal food to survive, but he’ll always have that weakness. 

“Yeah, mom your right. Sorry for over reacting.” My arm is all bandaged up and I am still worried how Cameron will react. Will he even notice the smell.

“Honey, just lay down. I will send Cameron up to do the shelves when he gets here.” I try to seem relaxed but I don’t know if I should lay still or wrap my arm up in a bunch of layers hoping it will cover up the smell. Ahh your going crazy this is simply-

“Honey! Comeron’s here!”

Getting home I don’t know what I had just gone through. Was that a conversation? For some reason I feel like I was spent the last hour of my life nodding my head. Nodding, that is it. Just casually nodding. However, this wasn’t a casual nod in agreement, it was more of an awkward nod of not knowing what to say or do really. I am not one whose at a lost of words. That is if there is some to be sad or there is a need to speak, I will. But, here, there was nothing for me to say. There was nothing of value for to respond to. He was so awkward shrugging his shoulders and just saying he doesn’t talk things out.

There is only so much I can deal with. Looking back it is easy to judge him for the way he acted, but even then I did the same judgement, probably harder. I thought this would be the only conversation about dating and misunderstanding we would have. It wasn’t the first we had, there was one before this, but this was our first one in person.

The one before this though, was not a conversation, it was more being cornered to answer if I did like him or not. But, not even that. I don’t have words for it. Who pushes a girl to say she likes him or not and then proceed to say how they were confused by his intention. Crazy Sauce. 

It all starts in to local coffee shop. Many people use coffee shops to get to know a person and see if there is a chance for a relationship. That is the traditional way to look at things. Well, this was a first time grabbing coffee to share how a relationship was not going to happen.

“I just asked you to go there because I thought you would enjoy it. There was not alternative motive.”

“The way you were talking about it and plans made it come off that you were planning it for just us and had planned for it to mean more.”

“Yeah I thought it would be something that we could do, but I was the one asking.”

“Yeah I know you asked.”

“Right. I am the girl. Me asking, not you. If you had asked it would have been different. There would have been a thought process of maybe this is more than just friends, but it was me.”

“I know, but you made it sound like you wanted more to come out of it.”

“How?” I shift in my car in a slight confusion trying to remember the conversation we had of me asking him to go. I talked it up in excitement because I have good memories of the place and honestly thought he would have really enjoyed going to it.

“You just kept saying how I would enjoy it and didn’t seem like you wanted anyone else to go.” He just sits there seeming so uncomfortable and awkward.

“Honestly that is just how I am. I like getting to know people and building relationships with them so I spend time one on one time with them. In a group you can’t do that. There are just others and distractions, it just makes it hard. I don’t really know what you want me to say. You don’t really know who I am or much about me so you just assumed these were my attentions.”

“Well . . . you would joke about us dating.”

“I also told you it would never work out for us to date.”

“I know.”

“So apparently me thinking we would never date and telling you it wouldn’t work out clearly means that I want to date you.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“I am just trying to understand.” I am trying to hold back my defensive tone but he isn’t being rational. His responses are coming off so quiet and as though he is uncomfortable and doesn’t believe what he says. “If you are making accusations about me liking you and wanting more you should be able to back up your thinking.”

“I just . . . I got, I just got this feeling so I stopped it before it went further.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah so anyway how’s your coffee?” Seriously? This guy really has no back bone.

“It’s good. Listen I am getting kind of tired and I cam here to talk to settle things but you don’t seem interested in doing that.” I begin to move off the seat and he still is just staring at me. Is he really this dumb?

“I thought we did.”

“Do you not talk things out to make them better?”

“I never have before no.”

“Seriously?”

“No. I haven’t.” He just stares and me and shrugs his soldiers like I’m the crazy one/”

“Wow. That is ridiculous. Have you not had a friend you’ve wanted to talk things out with, or even a girl you liked or liked you?”

“I don’t. I just don’t talk about it or to them really and then we just start talking again.”

“Wow that’s really immature. Sorry but it’s true.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, umm, when you want to talk, then reach out, but for now I am not going to waste my time just pushing something under the rug that you brought up. It may seem like I am making a big deal about this, but I can’t believe you brought this up and didn’t expect to talk about it.”

“I just don’t.”

“Just don’t what?”

“Talk about things. I get over it and that’s it.”

“Yeah, well when you have an issue with a person you need to say something to them.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” I have no idea what to say or think in this situation. Am I being defensive or a typical girl and over thinking things? He’s making me feel like the crazy one. I break my muffin in half contemplating this. He sits there tapping on his drink with his fingers. Just tapping, making no noise but just a distraction in the silence of awkward that has just transpired. 

I shift to cross my legs the opposite way leaning back to pull the wrapper off the bottom half of my muffin. Chocolate chip muffins from dunking are always softer than a bakery or bagel shop makes them. It is harder to break and harder to eat. Why did I even get a muffin? The donuts are good enough and I wouldn’t mind having a Boston creme. Ahh my thoughts are all over the place.

Rachel get your head straight. “So how’s that muffin working out?”

“It’s working. I don’t know about the good or bad. Kinda making me think why I didn’t just get a donut.”

“You can still get one.”

“I’m good.”

“Okay, well if your not happy with something you can change it.” Oh the irony.

Douche! That is the main thing going through my mind when I pull into my garage. You know happy thoughts of course. I was so happy having a lovely day, well okay maybe wasn’t the best because I have been super moody but I was on the upswing to be happy and things looking up for a brighter night that I was even considering going out tonight. Not a big thing but I was out of my funk. So I tell him that I am thinking that I’ll end up going over. He says this other girl is coming whose ‘just a friend’ so it’d be better if I don’t. Come again? Was I know the girl you were making out with the other night? Obviously I should be the one told to not come over.

Douche! I am just staring at my steering wheel, I somehow had the thought process to turn off my car and take my keys out. Stomping up the steps from my garage into my house I move past the people, it is as if they are figures and I do not know how we got to where we are now. One minute things are great! Okay let’s be real maybe it wasn’t great, or good for that matter. Maybe it just was. But just was, was better than what it is now. When I look at him I feel disgust. No, I don’t even look at him or think of him. Well, I do think of him that is a lie because he is what’s fueling this intense productively.

A guy. A silly boy is what is fueling this crazed let’s get work done and over drive mentality. He is only a boy because he is not a man so a boy is fitting. You can be the age of a man but not act or have the attitude of one. That is besides the point. One of the biggest tensions between a guy and a girl is whether they like one another or not. The closer they get, the more confused they get. There are connections that are made, an unspeakable bond you could say. Knowing how the other thinks, their past, and them talking about your future. The future makes it come off as though they will be in each others futures in a different way.There is something special and different about this one. They say guys and girls cannot be just friends. We should have listened. Getting to this level of being so close that it almost seemed inevitable. 

No. I was a strong woman. I knew where my head was at. I was focused. We said just friends. There were to be no feelings or any sort of connection. That is what we agreed on didn’t we? Then how did I let this happen? I gave in, I gave in, I gave, I have feelings for you. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You know too much about me, I know so much about you. I can’t like you. I choose not to like you. It’s so hard when you smile at me the way you do. I told you it was distraction and now I feel like a smile never leaves your face. These little distractions. All sweet and innocent.

Where is that silly notebook. I need to get all this out of my head. It is all trapped in here. It is making me go mad! I need it out. A release of pen to paper is like a drug. A crazy, mad unspeakable drug. Where the, oh of course next to my bed. Why would I be rummaging through these draws to my desk that just end up with things thrown in them? I have no idea. I just think I just needed to slam things.

“Hey, umm is everything okay?”

“Whose that?”

“Well Rach is you turn around or would recognize your roommate of the last twenty years you’d know it’s your sister. What’s wrong.”

“Sorry Gen. I just have had a horrible day and need to write it out. So unless you want me to project it on you let me get it out on paper, burn it and be done with it then we can talk.”

“I think before talking we’ll need some wine.”

“That too. And chocolate.”

“Yes.”

“No screw that this silly thing is not getting me down. I am going for a freaking long ass run. A run to trump all runs. I am not going to do the stereotypical girl thing of curling up in a depressed ball and giving into my feelings. Screw that!”

“Okay.”

“Now get out let me right and then run.”

“Good luck with that.”

Gen slowly closes the door behind her leaving me to my thoughts. Thank God! I love my sister but she will simply complain if I at all complain to her because she has told me from the beginning I am being stupid with this guy and she just doesn’t like him. Maybe she’s right. No, she was right. I don’t know why I’ve been waiting around and for him this long. What’s so great about him anyway? Umm, yeah I’m going to need time to answer that one.

Where was I? Oh right DOUCHE! DOUCHE! DOUCHE! Ehh where to even freaking begin? Umm yeah it’s great you made your big move, congrat - u -freaking - lations! You can make out with a girl but you can’t do the follow through. Honestly guys think they can do anything they so please with anyone and that in the end it was the girl thinking to much about it all. But come freaking on! If there was never a conversation about dating, something happens, and then you talk okay yeah understandable. There was conversations. Yes, plural. Many. More than one. So seriously what were you thinking?!

Obviously there is a back story to all of this. I will not go back to the very beginning, that is simply too much of a backstory to this whole melodrama stupidity. Let’s set a scene for the beginning of the summer. Everyone like the summer, it’s fun easy and relaxed right? Well, this summer seemed to start off at just a little preview for how this relationship was going to play out and just grow into greater confusion.