Driving

“Did he seriously ask me about my drinking? Josh I was seriously about to smack him.”

“Well that’s awkward.”

“Thanks.” Why do I even bothering talking to him about this stuff?

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Talk to yourself in your head like no one else is able to give you good advice. I’m right here. You can talk to me about stuff. Don’t shut me out. I talk openly to you, and you did it to me as well. But somethings when you don’t hear something you like you tune the world out. Yes, what he said to you was awkward.” I am not responding. I know that break is you expecting me to respond coldly or defensive but no. I am just going to sit and hear you out. “He is simply trying to get a read on you. Maybe he wants to be just friends as well but is trying to have you say it instead of being a man and saying it himself. He seems scared.

“He is looking for something to be said between you two to protect himself. Your a strong girl and will do as you want with out letting the world know how it has faced or hurt you. But when you are dating someone those rule no longer apply. You have to be able to be open with them and tell them what is going on in your head.”

“We went on one date that is not the same.”

“I am not talking about him anymore. I’m talking about me.” Why is he talking about himself? We’ve never dated you. “I know we haven’t gone on a date but I really care about you. I want to see where this is headed. Kelly you have to know how hard this is for me to even bring it up to you. Going over to your house. That might have seem rash to you. But I had to do it. You had to know how I felt.”

“Josh stop.” I pull over to the side of the road. I see the turn I have to make to make this all end. Just that last turn up a head and I could just drop him off and this night be all over with. “You can’t be saying these things to me. I can’t.” I just look at my lap with my hand on the stirring wheel still. I now look Josh in the eyes. “I care about you a lot. But he is your friend too. I can’t do that to him. Not when he’s trying to get his head around everything. It is just too soon.” I feel myself moving closer to him without being able to stop myself. He grabs my head and we just stare at each other. Words cannot give this moment justice. My hand is on fire from feeling everything to want to be closer to him now forget about the world. Have it just be the two of us and be lost in this moment.

“Get it!” We both jump and turn to see some random guys walking past the car. I clear my throat and turn back and the road to make that turn for his house. Josh takes his time to leave. He turns back as he goes to leave and gives me a kiss on the cheek. My body freezes with chills all over.

“You can give him time but you have to know you’ll choose me in the end.” He gets out and goes into his house. I’ve heard that before. The nice guy when he heard about what my ex did to me.

Driveway

“I need an answer.”

“A answer about what?” Showing up to my house this late is craziness. What is he thinking?

“Are we just friends?”

“Josh?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you asking if we’re just friends?”

“Because I like you. I think you have made it pretty clear that you like me too.” I look around to make sure the nice guys left. He has. Okay time to be honest. “Who are you looking for.”

“You know the guy I was just with?”

“Yeah.”

“Him because he just took me out on a date and I don’t want him to hear all this. You like me?”

“Yeah.”

“Never told me.”

“I thought I made it clear. What always so happy with you around. Asking you to do things wasn’t enough?”

“Considering you do that with a lot of girls. Girls that your not even interested in, I would say yes.”

“You still should have known.”

“False.”

“Fine I’m leaving.”

“You drove to my house for that and your just going to leave?”

“Yeah because I don’t want to seem like an idiot. You should have known how I felt about you. This is ridiculous how could you not have known?”

“Actions speak louder than words.” Turning for my house to walk in next thing I know he’s grabbing me and giving me the most intense kiss I have ever gotten. When I finally open my eyes he’s getting in his car and driving away.

“Maybe this is a bad time.” Who the eff is that? I don’t want to turn around. I am in way to much shock to register whose voice that even is. Crap I have to turn around. Slowly. Oh ever so slowly. Ryan?

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you because I know your seeing my best friend and wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh god. I didn’t know that was going to happen. He just dropped me off and when I was walking to my door Josh showed up.”

“I wont say anything. But you should. Listen I know he doesn’t seem like a really special guy or anything but he just has a lot of learning to still do to feel comfortable one on one with a girl.” I seriously cannot be talking to anyone about this right now. “I know you like him, but he will be the one getting hurt not you.” Really need to stop talking right now. “Are you serious about leaving?”

“Leaving?”

“When your done with school do you really want to leave?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.” That’s it. He just turns now and walks away. Thanks for all the mind fucks universe. It’s been real.

Party

“Omg I love this song!” Turn to being judged by Josh. “Hey everyone loves journey you so cannot be hating.”

“Oh I am not hating at all!.” With both just look at each other then I give a little flirty smile then go to walk back down stairs were a game is happening.

“Kelly.” Crap.

“Oh hey. What’s going on?”

“I was going to ask you that. Look I know I was being weird all night and avoiding you but there is just a lot going on so not really myself.”

“It’s fine. Look if there is a lot going on it’s chill.”

“But I just need to talk to you about something cause it’s really bothering me.” Well we went on one date so maybe he doesn’t know where we stand. That’ll make sense cause sometimes I am so scattered brained that I probably give of way to many singles. But you know when I like you. Trust me. “What do you think about drinking?”

Did he just ask me that? This is really happening. “Umm. Seriously?”

“Yeah. Sorry I know you underage and you have these stories about drinking and then randomly making out with guys. I don’t know. It bothers me.”

“Umm. Sorry?”

“I don’t know. I just want to know where you stand.”

“Listen I don’t want to come off as a total bitch but, I am. You are not my boyfriend. If we were together I could understand you asking me this. Or asking me other questions but your not. So I am not going to answer that. I’ll see you later.”

“Wait I didn’t mean to.” Goodness I am just going to keep walking before I blow up on this idiot. Screw that. Walking away can be seen asme being hurt or immature.

“Listen. Don’t say you didn’t mean to especially since you have been hanging out with me for months and see how I act. I bring up my past because I have one. You don’t know my past. Yes I am defensive about it because they way you brought it up wasn’t right. You should of brought it up another way or at another time. You choose to do it here. You heard those stories and still choose to ask me out on a date. That was your decision.”

“Kelly. I’m sorry. I know I don’t see you acting in any of those ways but you talk so relaxed about it so I just don’t know what to think.”

“I’m not going to tell you want to think. I am a very upfront person. I am answering you. I could have walked away but I choose to give you an answer.”

“I appreciate that. Let’s forget I asked.”

“You can’t unask a question so no. I can’t forget you asked.” With him stunned I simply walk down the stair to continue on with the games. Not mind games.

Reality

  Has my head back handed you enough? Yes these are different days. The one with Josh and I was before the date I had with the nice guy. I know my brain jambles around and maybe you realized what was going on but who freakin’ knows. But this is my story. The Kelly story. This is my life. And now here I am, it is the end of the week. I have not seen either one of them and I am about to see both of them. Together. No friend to take with me. Going solo to a party with no clue what to expect. I could go and talk to the nice guy, but who wants to lead anyone on. Or I could talk to Josh and see what happens.

I could take longer to get ready. That would really delay things. That wouldn’t be right. But before telling you about life now, we should get back to how I got here.

Ride Home

“Again sorry about the movies being sold out.”

“Oh no it’s fine. I am just exhausted.” I truly am. I barely sleep anymore and I was at work all day.

“I understand. I’m tired too.” Yeah if only I was not only physically tired. Tired of this conversation and just want to run home. It is not too far of a run. Wait that’s too obvious. “Thank you again for going out with me.”

“Oh no problem.” No problem? Did I seriously just say that? At least he knows the way back to my house so I am not that strained for making a conversation. I guess this shouldn’t really go anywhere. Just get me home. It is only a quick drive. Oh there is my street. You have not looked this good in a long time. So close. I can’t just run out of the car that is simply awkward. “Okay well thank you again for getting me.”

“It’s no problem. And for the final thing in this evening which I have never done before.” Oh God please don’t be a kiss, please don’t be a kiss.

“Umm, what?”

“Walking you to your door.”

“Ohh. Well front door is always locked and we don’t have a key for it.”

“That’s fine.” I will not kiss you! This could seriously be awkward!

“Kelly?” Okay why did I just hear Josh. “Kelly!” I turn and see him pulling into my drive way.

“Who’s that?” Nice guy, so sweet. Now worlds are colliding.

“Friend from school. Thank you again for tonight sorry I have to deal with this.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay.”

“It would probably better if you leave.”

“Okay give me a call later.”

“Will do.” I just stand there as he makes his way back to his car and Josh gets out of his and starts walking towards me. This cannot be good.

Dunkin’ Donuts

“Do you want to sit on display or where you can’t be seen.”

“What? I normally sit on the sit because then there is the ledge where I can put my stuff.” Now I am just uncomfortable. Should we have sat there? Boy take the reigns I can’t do all the work!

“Yes so Neil has been talking to me a lot about things. Like the night when we were watching the movie he was giving me the meanest eye and I had no idea why. Apparently he had been texting me things. But I did not have my phone on me so I had no idea.”

“Oh everyone was being so weird that night.” Does he know not to be sharing this?

“Well you had to be texting them too.”

“No I wasn’t.” Too early to be exposing these things. I will let him take lead of this conversation to see if he will veer of this conversation of things that he needs to work on to be in a relationship.

“I don’t really now what I am doing because the only girl I have ever dated was my sophomore year of college. We dated for a month, then winter break came. And here is where me being bad at communicating comes into play because I did not talk to her all break and it just ended.” Yep another date is not happening.

Garage

“Josh did we get everything you needed.”

“Yeah I think we’re fine. I’m going to grab my ipod and put it in. You want anything?”

“I’m good.” Josh goes to his car while I am left looking around his room at was it was to what we made it. How did I help in all this, and we’re not dating or will be dating, because we are friends. Plus so cannot date another friend because already dated one from our group of friends so that cancels out everyone our for the bro code, respect level, and everything else that should come into play. But thought has crossed my mind let me tell you. I shouldn’t be thinking this. Tomorrow is my date with the nice guy. We had our first one and not sure how I felt about it, so we’ll see. I have to remember to call him when I get home to see what exactly is going on.

“Okay music check. I didn’t call anyone else or anything so it’ll just be you and me if that’s okay.”

“Yeah that’s fine. This is looking pretty damn good.”

“What is?”

“Well you room which we have been working so hard on. What else would I be talking about.”

Josh turn to face me and gives himself a look over. “Well you know I changed so thought you could have been talking about me.” Josh gives me a little smirk then stands by my and graces the back of his hand slowly over my cheek. My whole body gets chills.

“Josh you can’t do that.”

“Do what?” He says it in such a soft innocent voice, taking me to a place far from here.

“You know what.” I look him in the eyes and turn to start moving things around.

“I still don’t know what you mean. But I’ll go with it. You know if he didn’t take you out on that date then we would be fine. Or if you don’t go out with him tomorrow then you still have me.”

“Well thank you Josh. But I don’t even know what tomorrow is suppose to be like.”