“Chase do you have a religion, faith, practice or anything that you hold on to? Or even just something that you have with your morals or anything?” Corine looks innocently at Chase. She hoping that there is something that can give her an understanding to why he seems to want to bring understanding to this all that is more than a court order.

  Chase just stares at her and he gets annoyed that she never shows emotion. Yes, he can tell when she gets annoyed with him, hut all he can think about is how he’s told her awful things and she has never shown any sort of emotion. Not even the slightest bit of sadness or a look of disgust what do I have to do to get her to tear or laugh or say I am repulsive. 

 “Corine, I have told you some of the worst things and you never show an emotion, either you have thick skin or a God, now I am a Christian.”

“Well, doesn’t Christ say to forgive?” Corine leans back in her chair and watches the changes in Chase’s face. He squints his eyes at first then looks around the room. He goes for the snow globe on her table and picks it up. He’s focused on this but Corine lets the silence bring a peace to the room. She doesn’t want to change or push him. 

“Yes. He does but, he doesn’t say anything really towards those who actions can’t be explained does he?” Chase only watches the ball moving in the globe. Speaking softly and slowly.

“No I guess he doesn’t.”

“That, that is what I cannot understand or give action or reason to. I walk into my house and days will pass and I cannot think of things to say, or I feel like I am talking and not one is saying anything to me.” Chase puts the globe down and sits back. Then he moves forward puts is hands on his knees and looks up. “You know, this one time, I was fighting with my wife. If was before this situation. I couldn’t understand why she was acting the way that she was. She was going crazy and screaming, I was scared. I was honestly scared of why she was acting the way that she was. I even wrote about it and make precautions with my daughter as a safety measure. I gave her a bunch of cash with a letter to keep it safe incase anything happened to me.

I go back and I read these entries and that these actions happened, that’s not me. I shouldn’t be scared of my wife. She’s a foot smaller than me. I read these things and think, what was happening? My memories are all jumbled and I know that my thoughts are not exactly what is happening.” Chase has been holding his hands and just looking at his hands as spreads them out. moves them as he talks, and brings them back together. He continues to look at them, breathes in deeply then looks at Corine. “How can I ask God to explain these things to me? I can’t follow everything when I don’t know what I’m being asked to.”

“Then are you relying on your own power to make yourself better?” 

Chase goes back to looking at the coffee table then gets up and looks at the books on her self. He’s deep in thought, wondering why Corine is saying these things? The wall seems to be closing in around him. He runs his fingers along her shelf also as a distraction or something to settle him. Some of the books are old and worn. He lingers on one and it’s a book by C.S. Lewis. He has his books at him, he wife read them, he’s read them, and when his kids were young his wife would read the Chronicles of Narnia to his kids. He can’t help but think as to why this woman is helping him.

“How long have you been a psychologist?”

“Umm, probably since I was born, it was sort of just a natural instinct I guess.” Chase looks back to Corine. He nods and walks back towards the couch but simply stands in front of the couch.

Corine watches him and he seems to be having his own conversations. “Is everyone else the problem?”

“Yes.”

“What makes you say that?” Chase goes back towards the book shelf.

“I ask for help and support. Even understanding, but no. It’s simply too much for them.” Chase runs his fingers along the books again and this time he takes out the C.S. Lewis book. “Have you read this?”

Corine looks at the book and gives a small nod and smile. “Yes, it’s one of my favorites. When I started college my father gave it to me. It was his and he wanted me to have it.” Chase smoothes his hands over the cover, Mere Christianity, this was one of the first books he read when he became a Christian. He slides it back into the shelf and moves back to the couch.

“Chase how about you sit in the chair and I get the couch.” Chase just entered her office and she’s walking around rearranging the magazines on her table.
“I get the chair? Does this mean I get your notebook and pen too?” His voice is on edge and his eyes have this darkness to them. He stands in doorway with a slight scowl and there is a darkness surrounding him.
“If you’d like.” She says still looking down at the table, she has yet to look up and notice how he’s standing or much of his tone being so focused in what she began before he entered.
Chase makes his way there and takes the notebook on her desk and a pen. He starts tapping the pen on the notebook, having his leg cross over his other as he moves the chair side to side waiting for her to play her role. “Well, Corine, are you going to sit?”
She stands straight up not realizing that he had actually taken her notebook and sat in her chair. “That chair suits you Chase.” Corine sits down and smoothes out her pencil shirt, crosses her legs, lays out on her couch and closes her eyes.
“Now, what’s your deal? Why aren’t you married?”
Corine eyes shoot open and she raises herself up. She tries to conceal her reaction to this question so Chase doesn’t know the full effect of his question on her. “Well, honestly.” She looks down at the rug, examine the corners of the rooms then brings her face back to look at Chase. There is no kindness to his eyes or expression. No matter what she says to him it could break her or it could set him off.
The silence in the room begins to get to Chase. He puts his feet on the floor and they can’t sit still. “No answer?” There is only judgement to his words, he leans forward, puts his hand on his knees to help him stand. Walking to the book case she watches as his one leg seems to be kicking. He cannot be still. Chase turns back to her and looks her in the eye. He opens his mouth then catches himself. He continues to walk, first to the chair but he doesn’t sit, he keeps his back to Corine and looks out the window.
Corine knows to stay silent. He will think this out and say what is running through his mind. Pushing it will only work against him.
“My head was spinning out of control; I saw fear and anger in my children’s eyes as I smashed the car mirror. I could hear them yell. I know they’ll leave me” he shrugs “and they have no reason to stay, I cannot take this back. I wanted to kill someone.” His voice keeps his edge but there is something to it that sends chills up Corine’s spin and her heart breaks a little for him. “I never wanted to be like my father.” He pauses and puts his head down. “Be abusive. See terror, the terror that I saw in my children’s eyes because they’re afraid of me.” He begins scanning the room and settles his eyes on the snow globe with the golf ball in it. It’s now been moved to the book shelf. Standing there he just hold it, he doesn’t try to put the ball on the tree but he just watches the ball move in the water from it being picked up. When it finally settled down he began again, “I went to get comfort from a drink, cold and crisp; it slide down my throat so nicely. A drink like a good scotch, always makes me calm and makes the hatred I feel for myself go away. It allows me to relax for a second, then the other me takes over.” He put the snow globe back on the shelf. “It’s like I’m having an outer body experience, I watch myself throw anything in sight and yell things I don’t mean, things I don’t even understand. My children turn their backs to me; I know they hate, they hate who I’ve become. I want to stop myself. Try to make it all stop. The yelling and throwing I just want to calm down but nothing seems to work. Doc, tell me.” His face is filled with shame, but he hides this from Corine.
The rest of the session Chase just continued to pace while Corine would ask him questions. His answers were short or didn’t match what she asked. Before leaving he asked her if she would sign his paper. Corine did as she always did, he quickly folded up and put in his inside pocket of his jacket.
“Well, thank you.” He looks her in the eyes as he always does when saying thank you, he walks out of her office, get into his car and sits fir a little while. Sitting there he just stares at his steering wheel. He pulls out the paper she signed, he counts them and there are twelve signatures. He signs. Shakes his head slightly, then folds it back up and puts it in his pocket. Turning the key in his ignition he then puts it in drive and heads down the road.

Chase ends up in a parks parking lot. He sees families playing together, this is the last weekend they have before returning back to school. He watches fathers push their children on the swings and others walking behind their children on bikes. He remembers doing that with his children. They’re all grown up now. Chase get out his wallet and sees the old photos of his kids when they were young. He slowly begins to cry.

“How did this all happen?” He holds himself while the picture slowly falls out of his hand. Chase begins to fumble for a napkin to clean the tears away from his face. “Where should I go?” He looks out around the park and then turns to the sky awaiting an answers. Lowering his head he just breathes heavily turning the key in the ignition and backs out of his spot.

    The garage door opens and tension suddenly builds throughout the home. Chase gets to return home after his ten days removal from the home. Only his wife is home. Chase enters the home, makes his way to the bedroom. He puts down his belongs on his bed and looks around the room. “There is an unwelcomeness here.” Chase opens up his bag and begins to unpack the contents of it. There are some hotels soaps, his clothes he packed, and the bit of work he thought to take with him. He picks up the soap and think how he, would not have these if he wasn’t forced to be removed from his house. He clenches the soups in his hands that the bar begins to crack a little.
    “I can’t stay here. It’s not safe.” He whispers to himself putting the contents back in his bag. A door is shut downstairs and this makes Chase stop. He puts his bag down and begins to tip toe to his door. He doesn’t hear any voices but he does hear footsteps. He makes his way down to the kitchen and there is his wife. She looks worn out and tired. Chase cannot handle seeing her and begins to back away. He heads back up to his room, he goes into his closet looking for clothes to pack.
    “I saw the car out front. I guess dad’s back.”
    “Yes, I believe he is, I haven’t seen him yet, have you?”
    “Nope.” Chase over hears his daughter speaking to his wife in the kitchen. The house is so open that voices easily travel throughout it. Returning back to his bag to finish packing Chase leaves his closet and goes into the hallway, looks down the staircase and waits to see if he can hear any voices or movement. There is only silence so he returns to his mission of leaving. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he sees his wife and daughter sitting in the living room.
    Chase stops and looks at them, he just sees complete sadness in their gaze. Christine has stopped eating and his wife just freezes.
    “Hey dad.” Christine manages to get out.
    “I’m going to stay in a hotel. It’s not safe for me to be here.” Chase then turns and leaves.

New Story, working in progress...

Tilting the snow globe ever so slightly for the golf ball to land on it’s tee and stay. He seems to have it at the perfect level, speed, and the ball is making it’s way up the tee. Then, as it’s about to land, the speed of leveling off the snow globe is too fast causing it to fall off. This task, it what holds his attention during these required hours that he’s forced to sit here.
He enjoys the feeling of his feet against the shag rag. While doing this, he sits on the edge of the couch, which is arched up on the one side, it’s meant for him to lay down and face her while she sits at or desk or at her chair. It’s a nice view, he can look out the window, but that’s not why he’s here. So he sits up right, to avoid engaging and plays with the snow globe each week to get the ball on the tee, it holds his attention. Every so often, after constantly failing he’ll look up at her book shelves to mix it up.
“Chase.” He looks over to her sitting in her chair, legs cross and hands relax on her arms rest as he leans back. “How did this week go?”
Chase turns back to the ball, trying to get it on the tee. Same questions he thinks, there is not real mix to this woman is there? “How did it go?” He says under his breathe but he knows she can still hear him. He continues to play with the tee and fails yet again. He puts it down on the coffee table in front of him, then stands and makes his way across the room to look at her book shelves.
She then turns her chair to be directed at him and watches as he exams her shelves for the up-tenth time. The pen in her hand she starts tapping in the air then chews on the tip slightly. She quickly stops, her habit of chewing on pen caps irks Chase and will lead him into these tangent of questions that she cannot stand. Thankfully she stopped before he turned to look at her.
“What’s this book?” He pulls a book off the shelf that has a red cover with an arrow pointing up then one pointing down.
“It’s called Crazy Love, it’s written by Francis Chan. Do you know him?” She says in a calm voice. Her eyes are holding his and he realizes she’s waiting for him to answer.
Chase puts the book back to where he pulled it from, “I may have heard of him from one of my kids talking about him. Yeah, that’s probably it. Why do you have it?”
“A close friend gave it to me to read and I did, then I read it again. Each time I’ve read it, I’ve been at a different point in my life and each time it has gotten me through that time. I’ve learned a little something new about myself.” Chase is now looking at her and realizing there is not a lie or something in that statement to get him to say something. He doesn’t like it.
Chase moves back to the couch and lays down. He stares at the ceiling with his one arm pulled back to be behind is head and his forearm rest under his head. “How much time is left?”
She checks her watch, “Ten minutes.”
“Well, today didn’t drag on.” He gives a slight smirk and looks at her then back at the ceiling. “Have I told you about my family.”
“A small amount. You’ve shared how you care about them dearly and you couldn’t image being without them. Oh and that you don’t want to lose them.” She continues to look at him while she says all this.
Chase shifts a little while she speaks these words. The words hit him harder than he was thinking, the thought of losing his family. Of all the things she could have said she choose to phrase it with ‘lose them.’ He lets the silence fill the room, time elapsing more so that he can have the final word.
She watches as his face changes, clearly deep in thought. From previous sessions she knows not to say anything, too many questions rattle him and that can set him off. Today he seems calm, like he’s having a good day.
“I wasn’t talking about them.” His words linger in the air, the emotion behind Chase’s words weren’t anger or sadness. He wasn’t even matter-of-fact about his statement. It wasn’t his wife or children that he was talking about. His family that he grew up with. This sinks in to her and now she’s not sure where he’s going with this.
“No Chase, I guess you weren’t. I’m sorry for assuming.” She begins to write and Chase watches her for a while. Her face never changes. She’s always so calm. This let’s him relax. Chase notices the only change is her hair slowly moving in front of her face. Chase watches her move it slowly behind her ear. He sits up and goes back to playing with the golf ball.
“My Dad was a hard ass. No not even a hard ass, he didn’t know how to work. He was a sure piece of work. Do you know what it’s like sleeping under a bridge?” He calmly speaks and plays with the golf ball, still failing to get it on the tee. “Yeah, it’s not a lot of fun. Sometimes Dad decided to not pay taxes, work, or do anything that an adult should do.” Chase pauses and says softly, “It’s not what a Father’s should do.” He almost gets the golf ball on the tee. Chase’s whole body moves slowly, even his legs helping him tilt. The ball falls off the edge. “Yeah, my Mom would be a wreck. When I became a teenager it became easier to leave. The few friends I could reach, they would let me stay over for a night, but when they ran out, that was the only place to turn. Not exactly fun when it’s cold out.”

    Dang this fall weather literally came out of no where. I am happy to be wearing cords, have my boots on and a flannel. This could almost be said to be the happiest outfit a girl could have a in the fall. Along with my jean jacket and this bud in my hand. “Ryan you never disappoint.”
    “That’s what all the ladies tell me.” He lowers his sunglasses a little and gives her a wink then turns back to look out on the view. Alexa’s one rule to them smoking is that they must go for a hike to be in the woods. She likes being one with nature I guess you could say. She knows it’s clique but being a typical teenager smoking in a parked car or on some sports field is just way worse for her. Plus, it limits the amount she’ll smoke and makes it almost more nostalgic.
    “Ryan sometimes you amaze me with how into yourself you are. It fits you.” She looks off into the distance. Something is the way the wind pushes the changing leaves gives her an unsettling feeling. She watches as they twist and contort to the winds will. As it breaks free from the branch and falls to the ground off the cliff it gives her a feeling and release. Her buds now finished. Without having to say anything Ryan helps her up and they walk the path that brought them there.

Suburbs Living

Coming to this place you realize that to the world we all look the same and seem to be the same. That is the furthest thing from the truth. Sure each territory has it’s check list for requirements but what does that say when the person who has everything that is said to make them succeed and apparently be the wealthiest and most successful person is the worst and has no set future. They seem like the model citizen but anyone could simply make a story for someone else's life. That what seems to be my thing. I’m Alexa and I’m a professional people watcher.

I come to this local coffee shop where I hear all sorts of things. One would think I’m a writer or some creepier person, but no. I am looking to help people. You would think in the suburbs that nothing is going on. Maybe there aren’t murders, much crime, or things to make national news, but the things that happen here are pretty incredible. Listen in to these ladies that just came to sit on the two couches by me. This seems to be their typical Friday night.

The one with a perfect french manicure, red lipstick, and chestnut brown hair perfectly loosely curled seems so candid in her conversation it’s almost like this isn’t a public place. “Tom seemed to have forgotten the rules last night.”

“I know. There is allowed to be touching between partners but he was working on the both of us.” The friend whose done up similarly but blond hair twisted to the side. She leans in to say softer, “I was being so pleased that I didn’t even notice till I heard her moaning.” Her eyes goes slightly wide to look around the cafe to make sure no one heard. Well sweetie, I heard you.

“No way!” The friend exclaims but in a whisper.

The blond nods here head and almost seems to be remembering the moment and is getting excited all over again. “He has some incredible skill. Granted he was rubbing us both while Blake was enjoying his time with the girls.”

“Well, they are fun. I’ve had my fair share of fun with them.” The friend says a she brushes her hand along her friend’s side.

It seems as though these women are doing foreplay here in the middle of the day! I can’t even continue to listen cause it’s making my mind wander. You would think swingers would be a bigger deal, but no it’s the parents who meet here for their morning or afternoon pick me up. While it seems as thought they are talking stock trades, it’s really drug prices. 

“Alexa, what’s the play of the day?” A guy wearing cut of cords, high tops, a tank, and shades where you cannot see his eyes. His hair is short but is slightly longer on the top that he keeps it parted to the hard left and small fohawk. 

Alexa gives a small smile when she hears his voice. “Hey Ryan. So far nothing major. Housewives entertaining themselves with teenage behavior, and so far no stock trades.”

“Well, it is still pretty early for that.” Ryan leans on the table with his arms cross looking around at some of the thing going on. “Now my dear, what is your delight.”

“No thanks Ryan.” She gatherings up her notebooks. Putting her purse on her shoulder and slowly walks for the door. “You coming?” She doesn’t even turn back to wait to see if he follows.

Young Love

This way or that way who really knows which way is right? I would like to think the guidance I have absorbed at this point has given me some sort of accountability. Okay maybe accountability might be too much. More like a precedence to what I am feeling I want to do in the moment. Yeah that should be the right assessment.

“Johnny your taking to long with those burgers.” Kristina yells from inside their new apartment they just got together. The two have been married for two years and while both thought at this stage they would be looking for a home to get to fill with kids but that has not happened. 

“Coming. Perfection can’t be rushed.” Johnny flips the burgers to not over due the one side while taking a swig from his beer. “Did you chop up tomatoes.”

“Of course I did my portion.” Kristina answer as she comes through the sliding door to their porch. She comes from behind Johnny putting her arms around his waste and resting her head on his back.

“Trying to start something.” Johnny gives a slight smirk.

Kristina tightens her arms a little more and slightly inches his shirt up above his belt buckle. “Yeah right.” She releases her arms and heads back inside. “Hurry up with those things will ya.”

“Such a tease.” He shakes his head and begins taking the burgers off the grill.

“Nope, just hungry. See it got you to hurry up.” Kristina smiles from her small victory and moves to the counter to sit across from Johnny’s place. “Do you want another beer?”

“I’m good.” Johnny answers as he comes through the sliding door, closing it and moving to the counter. His puts the food down and holds his wife hand. He looks into her eyes, “How did I get so lucky.”

“No clue.” She leans in towards him and kisses him. Then sits back down and begins serving him his food.

They eat in silence which seems to be a normal thing now. Kristina cannot stand silence when eating so she now as grown accustomed to putting on the music. The two of them have always enjoyed they can eat and not feel the need to talk. Their relationship has been like this from the beginning. Neither thought it was awkward that on their first dinner date they talked, then got the food, and became silent while they ate till they finished. It is a content feeling and both thought it was a blessing. There was just a feeling of being content. They enjoyed their time together and just being with one another. It wasn’t what was happening, what was going on, or what they were doing but they were there.

“Just jump!”

“Oh funny Kyle, why don’t go go first.” Standing at the edge of this cliff I have been countless times before doesn’t make this any easier. So dark with an almost endless bottom, however there lay rocks below the surface, but safe enough for us to jump. Welp, God is this is how we should meet at least make it epic. All that’s left is to push off this rock. I make the jump and there is the second of fear, joy, bliss, and then you hit the water.

“That was unreal!” I look up and see this huge smile on Kyle’s face.

“I knew you’d love this.” Kyle the pushes off the rocks jumping just to the left of me. I was still afraid he’d land on me but there was a solid distance. His head pops up covered with water running off of it, his hair all flat and all disheveled. He laughs at me and then shakes his hair. Making me turn away from him. I begin to swim to the shore. Not sure of where to go exactly, but I know I want to avoid us being in the water together. Being on land is easier being one on one rather than in the water. I don’t know what could come of this. Did I want anything to happen?

“So you love it?”

“Yeah thank you so much for bringing me here. The beauty here is incomparable.”

“Yeah its not bad.”

“Not bad? Oh man the trees with the view from the rocks. It’s so peaceful. There are very few places in where you could look at and just be in awe of the beauty that surrounds you and just the magic of it all. Only the creator could make this magic. No artist could replicate this nor photograph capture the essence of this.”

“Wow someone’s turning deep on me.”

“Sorry, just don’t understand when things go unappreciated. For example as you the simplicity of this view. You think it’s nice yes?”

“Yeah, so.”

“That’s it. It’s not a negative thing. I’m sure you would see something that I see as nice as something with so much detail that words are solely not enough for.”

“Right. I can see where your coming from.” Sadly I don’t believe him. Maybe he does know what I mean. I shouldn’t be thinking so much about comparing the guys. But it’s so easy. Fantasy verses what’s right in front of you the fantasy tends to win. Kyle is starring of into the distance and something about his face look out into the distance shows me he understands. He does not voice his thoughts and it’s easy to see him doing this is a lot for him. Should it be this much work for him to show who he is?

“Let’s jump again!” We have been sitting at the bottom where you need to climb up.

“Oh now you want to jump again? I jumped like six times before you even went once.”

“So? First you just wanted to jump to show me, then I could tell you couldn’t keep standing still so needed to jump. I like taking my time with things.”

“Right, come on just keep going.” When I get to the top I see across people have started coming but something tells me that we should start making our way down.

“Kyle would you be good if this is our last jump?”

“Sure, thought you’d want to be here for a longer but we could head back.”

“No I want to, just getting a guy feeling we should start heading back.”

“Alright sure.”

Tossing and turning is a sure sign of this life being unreal. However instead of waking up and acknowledging it is a new day, I wake up wondering what on earth is happening. I yearn to hear from him and await the moment of his return. But why? Why is this one so special? A hug can cause all this confusion. Well forget that, I need to brush my teeth. But seriously. Why him?

Truly nothing that sticks out about him, he’s quirky, sarcastic and not direct. SO fickle and not direct. Clearly none of those are winners right? Am I just bored of being single? I have been doing fine as being a single person but is that the problem? I have become too good at becoming single?

Wow listen to me I’m sounding like such a women! I should just get dressed this is ridiculous. Thank God it’s sunny out! Sun dress it is. At least that is something easy and simple I can handle. No second guess. Just walk in grab a bright dress fitting my mood. It’s a good thing I don’t have to shave and can do a strapless bra. I should probably bring a change of clothes because God only knows what I will end up doing later, hike, swimming, or just anything. Summer is amazing for this.

“Olivia what are you doing?” I turn and see my roommate coming into my room looking like she’s still recovering from the night before.

“Getting dressed.”

“You have been talking out loud to yourself for the last hour about some guy, who is he?”

“I haven’t!”

“You have. It was entertaining me until you were talking about that other guy you’ve liked but he’s way to shy for anything to happen, but now you totally have a chance for him. Just sayin’ play the field and not just one.”

“Ha! Funny I’m just making friends not playing anything. Playing the field involves games and not being myself. No thank you. Plus I will only play one. Well not play, but just think of one guy. God didn’t put me here for many but one. Well hopefully-”

“Oh shut up. I get it God has a plan for you blah blah blah! But come one, God never said to not have fun! I’m going to have a shot then grab coffee you want to come?”

“I’m good, meeting up  with some people in a few.”

“Okay. see ya. Oh and say hello to the new boy.” Oh room mate how special is thee. I daily question my choice but then she always makes me lean on God more and not be so caught up in my world and reminds me there are people out there needing saving. Such a double edge sword.

Did she really hear me talking? I thought it was all in my head! Guess not, fail! Welp can’t say hi to the new guy because no way to communicate, and he never bothered to get my number. But the old guy she wasn’t wrong about, but I feel like now it wouldn’t be hard to date him, but is he really someone I want to be with?

Heart feels as though it is truly going to explode. Why is this happening? What is going on? It was such a simple good bye. Nothing different, maybe his arms were tighter around me, maybe the hug simply felt so right. But this feeling in my heart cannot explain this. I’m walking the path to my car seeing each foot go in front of the other, with chills running through me. My mind if going mad with questions of what could this mean. But my heart is yearning to go back.

There is nothing left for me to do. He’s leaving me here to the world full of unknown of the future. But my life has a way of working out in time. Time. Yes time should go by quickly. Time goes on like life. You can’t live in these moments of questioning what that could have been or where it could be. Could is the worst word in the english language. Could of, should of, all leaving girls to this insanity of questions going on in their mind of what they see. Rather then going through the facts of what is. I could have said how I felt and maybe this would have changed the out come. But he said nothing.

None of this explains this feeling in my heart. I stare at my steering wheel longing for an answer, not knowing how long I have sat here but I am still in front of his place so this is so not right. I put my car to look out on this road chosen to go. There is no questioning with this path. The path has been laid out for me. I take the first left to then make the second right and wrap around till main road and go home. That is know of how I should go. However I look in my review mirror of a blurring path that I want to go back to.

My heart is racing for an answer to these questions. All from a hug?

“Yes I know I was asking for a life changing thing to come a long but I could have never expected this.”

“It’s the cards you were dealt my dear.” This conversation sticks with me everyday. Why was this life given to me and what do I do with it. I could look at my surroundings seeing all these people suffering and starving, or I can do what I came here to do. I have been blessed with a home, clothing, settler, never gone hungry, and a family that loves me. They may not eat for days, shelter is tin roofs cramming fifteen people into it, clothes is a ragg they wear till they find the next rags, and they’re family needs them to work or sells them. Families love their children here but cannot suffer themselves or their children.

This is my journey to a world of a mission to help those here in India. Join me as I share the stories of others experiences and what I see to be a life for myself to come.

After puking up the remains of that crap sushi I am laying down on this supper soft bed that feels like a cloud. It is honestly unreal. This day has been so twisted and backwards how can this honestly be happening and keep going? Oh but it can and it is. So lets sum it up. I’ve been killed, taken by guys in suits, jumped through a window, put in a van, interrogated, and now in  suit joint. Am I forgetting anything? Oh right who is trying to kill me?

“Listen buddy. Can you hear me?” Whose talking to me? I turn blankly around and see no one. “Charlie?”

“Seth?”

“Whose Seth? No it’s your father. Why are you in your old room?”

“What?”

“Your sleeping in your old room, what are you doing here?”

“Oh man. How long have I been here?”

“Not sure came in last night and went straight to your room.”

“I’ve been sleeping all day?”

“Yeah. Get a job.”

“What an effed up dream. Now wait crap that means I’m twenty-two jobless, and living at home! Killing people come back!”

Did they think this was my last meal or something? This looks like a meal for about three people. Okay maybe I can eat it all but this is amazing! This would make a sufficient last meal. I wonder if that’s what Jesus thought. Like hey guys could we get a different wine, I want to savior it since I’m dying for all of you. If my mother heard that she would be doing so many prayers right now. But how could you not wonder.

“Eat Brooks.” I know that voice. I turn and see my child hood friend.

“Seth, oh man what are you doing here? Want some food?” I get up we do the bromance hug with smacking each others back to show how close we truly are.

“Brooks how you been my old friend?”

“You know living in Jersey working in the city for a marketing and publishing firm. It’s been good, shouldn’t really complain but can’t help it. How about you. Whatever happened to you traveling the world?”

“Oh I have done a lot of traveling..” I cannot hear the rest of his words because looking into his eyes I see this darkness that has been put in its place that brings chills to my spin. What has happened to my childhood friend? “I came back to the states about a year ago but had been living in Colorado doing rock climbing and of course snow boarding. Remember when we wanted to learn for these girls we thought were so hot?”

“Oh how could I forget? I ended up brakes my arm and spraining her ankle. But I still got her digits in the hospital.”

“Only you man. Now lets eat.” I see him break open the sushi and start eating it. So this should be safe food. Welp if I die at least my last meal was some good sushi. No screw that this taste awful.

Maybe when they go to dump me whatever thats suppose to mean I could like go kung fu style on them and break free. Seriously Charlie. Kung fu? I am so dead.

“Dan you get him in the back I’ll see if they’re ready for him.” Whose ready for me? Maybe dump me with new people is what they meant.

“Got it.” I hear two car doors shut so at least probably only battling against one guy. But I think they will probably be the quickest way to die. I am not tied up or anything so maybe they want me to live. The door by me open, I guess I’m in a van. “Great I got to carry this kid. If his father wasn’t so good at what he does i would drag him.” My father? He’s a plumber.

“Dan what’s taken so long?”

“Seriously I just got out of the car!”

“Move it.”

“Oh great not I am all sorts of lazy over this supposed to be wonder kid. He better be as good as they think or I will personally kill me.” Wonder kid? What am I suppose to have this wonderful plumbing skills or something? Dad I knew you had shaddy friends but come on! What is this.

After going up a few stair and Dan complaining the whole way and guys yelling at him we get to this room. I’m expected to be put in a chair or cement floor but now, on a tempo-pedic mattress! Okay maybe I should wake up now. I open my eyes to what seems like a suit from the Ritz Carlton.

“Oh look Cinderella's back.”

“Where am I?”

“We can’t really tell you but let’s say anything you want you will get and someone you know will be here soon to answer all your questions.”

“Well all I want is a beer or something but it’s the middle of the day if I have my wits about me. So I will settle for some chinese food.”

“What kind.”

“Fried rice. Oh man and some sushi. Surprise me with the best sushi, none with ell and nothing too fishy. Something like with a lot of rice. Yeah rice around it would be great.”

“You got it Mr. Brooks.”

“Alright.” So this is what it’s like being taken prisoner? When does they horrible surprise come out? Hopefully I get my food first.

I’m not dead, but not sure how I could possibly be a live. I cannot move from the position I am in. I believe I am laying on the ground. I cannot open my eyes. They have either been closed by these crazy people who launched me through the window or I have been taken by the guys in suits. To think my morning started with me hating my life for having the ideal life and now, here I am in the world of so not normal. I take back my bitching!

“Think he’ll wake up?” Okay that voice is none of the officers.

“Nahh. He’ll be in shock for sometime. We need to get him out of here.”

“Yeah they’ve probably made it to his place.”

“We can’t go to out location they would have it scouted out.”

“Drive on till the next state. We’ll figure it out there.” Next state? People going to my house? Okay now not sure if I should be afraid or comforted.

“When we get there what do we do with him?”

“Dump him.” Definitely going with scared.

Great so I got to this bathroom, next move. This is some serious stuff. Wake up hating my life and wanting something new and I sure did. Dead guy who is suppose to be me. But could this all be a set up? My friends have been telling me for years something needs to give me a slap in the face for me to get my emotional life together. So maybe when we meet I was talking about the people of the office and saying how they love this life and it is not my thing. But I need work and a life. Well work to pay for life I should say but come on, I just saw a fake me dead. Then guys with suits take me away.

Should I be speaking properly? If you expect that then you are looking into the wrong man head. No windows, so trapped. Trapped in my head, trapped in this weird world of today, and trapped with guys in suit. Great.

“Brooks times up.” The office comes in to my cradled in a ball on the floor. Sure I look like a guy who just broke down, but how should I look? “Or I could give you a minute.”

“Nah man.” I jump up and wander out with my hands in my pocket and walking like a hippy/hipster who just had a good smoke. Maybe that is what I missed out on. Only throwing back a few drinks and not doing weed. Seriously Charlie, this is what you decide to debate now. Well it’s started. “Man you ever smoke?”

“Smoke? No I don’t do cigarettes.”

“Not what I’m asking. Weed.”

“Brooks, I work for the government. Not going to share.”

“Right big brother and whatever. Obama smokes so I think your safe.” I turn into the office and the Lieutenant it waiting for me. “Hey man do you smoke?”

“In college, now Brooks have you ever left the country?”

“Yeah typical Mexico, Caribbean and cruise things. So in college you did weed? I feel like I’ve missed out from never doing it, do you think so?”

“Only if you feel like you’ve wasted your life with doing nothing. Doing nothing with your life and it’s not because of drugs is a waste. But Brooks did you have a twin?”

“Nah, only child. I think maybe my parents had a weird love child and never told me. That would probably explain a lot.”

“So as far as you know, there is only one of you.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think the world needs another one of you.” In that moment I hear and explosion and the officer suddenly jumps and grabs me shooting the Lieutenant and jumping through the glass. No one is in there but one man. He’s wearing a black suit and calm as ever. Something tells me to trust him.

Mind you trusting a man in all black, by himself behind a mirror where a man has just been shoot, yeah should totally trust him. I am freaking out. “Guess what the effity eff! Do you know what you just did. He, government, of shiiiii-”

“Shut up! We’re only wasting time. Sure he’s not better off dead?”

“He’s who we need.”

“Need for what.” We start running for the window. “Window! Window, nothing below it, We are so not on the first floooo-” The glass shatters around them, the are sailing through the air on about the thirtieth floor. “Hale Mary’s that is what I should probably be doing. Right, Officer that’s what you’d do. Wait your corrupt. I’m flying, no dying in the air ohhh-” Smacking into a foam thing was not my plan to the be through to and air craft. I should totally be that dead guy.

After what seemed like hours of driving I am brought into this garage which frankly looks like a place you bring a witness to, simply to kill them. That would be icing on the cake. They kill the wrong dude so have to cover it up with killing the right dude. Guess I don’t need to call my mother. “So guys I know I was suppose to die in my office and that would have been pretty epic, but changing it to a parking garage? Come on I know you can do better than that!” The Lieutenant guides me to this elevator he need to scan to enter. Not going to lie it was pretty sweet. He doesn’t say a word so I am assuming no one appreciates my comment. Still we shoot up seven flights of stairs and get to this floor where people seemed all hopped on coffee and adrenaline. “Now this is where I should have been working. You hiring.”

“Daniel take Mr. Brooks to the holding room. Let him use the phone to call whoever he needs. I am sure he must be hungry or thirsty so bring him that as well.”

“Yes sir. This way Mr. Brooks.”

Charlie is still awestruck by the office, and being offered complementary thinks. What kind of place could this be. “Got it. See ya Lieutenant.”

“Mr. Brooks do you need anything else Daniel will be happy to get it.” The Lieutenant leave them and walk up to his office which is at the top all glass so he can over see all that is happening in the office.

“Damn this place is like 24. Does Jack Bauer work here? Or Jason Bourne? Come on that would be awesome.”

“Follow me Mr. Brooks.”

“Damn no one has a sense of humor around here.”

Daniel stop turns and looks me right in the eye. “I understand your in shock or whatever this is your going through, but a man is dead. He was suppose to be you dead. Sure you feel like your given a second chance but show some respect and stop talking and joking like a prick.”

“Listen I know I say random things but I can’t help it. Filter has been shut down from dead dude, to car ride, coming to this secret place, people all crazy around me, so year I am doing to say some ridiculous things. Deal. I am not a terrorist or anything. Just a guy from Jersey living a life I was told I was. So embrace or just give me some food and a red bull.”

Daniel turns and bring me to this office with bagel, muffins, donuts and coffee. I have to wait on the red bull but hey this lay out is sweet. Daniel then brings in a phone as well. “You may want to tell people your not really dead. We will take care of the news.”

“I was on the news!”

“Mr. Brooks, a shooting happens in New York City inside of an office building where most the employees are white and many people shot, it’s going to make the news. This is the 21st century.”

“Right.” I grab the phone wondering if I am going to be left a long but does not see likely. I start dialing my parents. My mother is probably going to be hysterical.

“Hello.”

“Ma’ it’s Charlie.”

“Who?”

“Charlie, your son.”

“Oh hi. Aren’t you suppose to be at work?”

“Yeah listen mom has anyone called you today?”

“Yeah why?”

“Did they call about me?”

“Yeah they said you were dead. But on the phone with you so they are clearly wrong.” Typically mother response.

“Alright ma’ I’ll get back to work.”

“Okay, that’s why you called?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, don’t slack at work that wont pay off your bills.”

“Got it ma’ bye.” I hang up shock that my mother didn’t care I was dead. Who was that I was just talking to?

Everyone is frozen unable to move. I thought the worse thing of the day would be being late and dealing with everyone telling me how I’m late. Instead I come to find everything destroyed and a crime scene. Chills are running down my back. My feet feel plated to the floor. My bad is wet. Not a sweat wet. I find blood is dripping down the wall my body has found itself pushed against. Whose the one killed? Who could have done this?

“Sir I need you to come with me.” Oh he’s talking to me. All I can do is stair in confusion. He puts his arm on my arm. “Sir you cannot stay here. How did you even manage to get in. We’ve had the building sealed off for the last fifteen minutes.”

“How long?” I’m focused on the time. That is key to me for some reason.

“Fifteen minutes sir.”

“I was in the parking garage. I was sitting in my car.” I hope this is making sense. The scene going on around me is a blur. I see my desk. There is a man there, a bullet in his head. Was that meant for me?

“How long were you in there?”

“Maybe a half hour, maybe longer.”

“Did you see anyone coming in or out you did not recognize?”

“No. Same people as always.” The officer with me pulls a man by in a suit, I don’t recognize him.

“This man may have seen the killer.”

“Okay. I’m lieutenant Bryant. I sure the next few minutes are to be a blur and your wondering what you just came into. As far as we know. People walked in, they did not open fire, simply had one target. The man who is over at the desk belonging to Charlie, Charlie Brooks. Then people who went to use their phone or on their phone began to be targets. They cam up the elevator but went through the window on zip lines.”

“Did you say Charlie Brooks?”

“Yes.”

“I’m Charlie Brooks.” The lieutenant and officer then look at each other. No sure I am standing and talking to them as I have been the man identified as the one killed at my desk.

“Excuse me but you are saying your Charlie Brooks? Works the logistic department here and does data analysis?” The lieutenant is looking at his clipboard for my life records, Hopefully he hasn’t notified my kin that I am dead. Would be a serious sick joke especially since my mother recently called and she said the only time she’ll get a call from me is hearing I’m dead. I should probably call her. I have at least a day or two to call her back.

“Yeah I do other stuff but I guess that is my official title. Your saying they went on a killing spry after killing me?”

“Yes. Though with telephones.”

“Wow, I knew people wanted to kill me but not that badly.”

“You think you know whose done this?”

“Oh I just meant I tend to piss people off. Not exactly a people person per say. Where are we going?”

“We need to get you out of this office so we are taking you back to the station for now to figure out if this was simply a shooting or a bigger plan.” Who knew.

“Lieutenant I’m going back up to get evidence and to correctly identify the victim. Umm, Mr. Brooks you may want to call your mother and wife.”

“Wife?”

“Yes we called your place and a women picked up identifying herself as your wife.”

“I don’t have a wife. I’m only twenty-three, did she at least sound hot.”

“Mr. Brooks then I suggest you call your mother.”

“Ahh she’s fine I can give her a call tomorrow.” The officer looks so shocked by my manor he simply stars while the lieutenant has to pull my arm and guide me out of the building. I guess this was the life I was thinking of this morning. Now if women did not want to get with me before they totally do now, come on I am suppose to be dead but wrong guys killed. I am wanted dead. Just reached totally bad ass points.

Oh goodness listen to myself. Someone is dead. Not just someone many people because of me. Who would want to get with me? I better call my mother.

Sorry for the wait

You’d think I would learn my lesson the first time. I grew up being a simple kid from the suburbs, went to college, and now have a job in the city. Basically what your told in high school the life you should have and many people try to reach that bar. Now I’m here sitting in my car dreading those minutes ticking down for me to walk into my office and ask how the eff did I get here. Look at my other coworkers walking in. They car pool. All like they’re friends and truly love their lives. It makes me sick. Guess I should get out of my car and head in. Look at my car it’s even a freakin’ BMW. I am the clique of what life I was told to live. I could be all suave and walk in with shades, lock the car behind me and own this building. But I know this building would be an easy hot shot and I could sleep with any girl I choose. Now I’m not a cocky guy but for this office I am one of the people who have a life out of the office, I work out, and I do a lot of volunteer work so I am a freakin’ catch.

The thing is women working in this office have no lives outside of work. All day they work and may go out one weekend night and it’s to blow off steam with girls they party with. Partying women, well they shouldn’t even be called women they are actually girls due to their actions, do not have true friends and don’t know how to be a friend. Why waste my time? Goodness. Take the elevator and be trapped with someone in it and either talk or stand in silence, I’ll that the stairs. This way it is passing by people not chit-chat and these people wouldn’t walk the stairs even if the building was on fire. I know sounds like a stretch but kids with trust-funds come from their own little world. I worked my way here, I commute from Jersey. I place these people probably think traveling from they need shots or something.

One floor down now only five to go. Sure I may be late to my desk but coming from the stairs looks better. My boss will simply look at me ask about the weather or something and then give me two task to do. routine is his thing. Three floors down, three to go. I wonder what could be on the menu this morning for breakfast. Maybe a muffin, or a bagel. Oh the options. Sixth floor. Made it, here goes nothing.

“Back away!” A police man is pushing everyone to the side. I see blood on the walls and shattered glass everywhere. Women crying and people puking. What just happened?!