Heart feels as though it is truly going to explode. Why is this happening? What is going on? It was such a simple good bye. Nothing different, maybe his arms were tighter around me, maybe the hug simply felt so right. But this feeling in my heart cannot explain this. I’m walking the path to my car seeing each foot go in front of the other, with chills running through me. My mind if going mad with questions of what could this mean. But my heart is yearning to go back.

There is nothing left for me to do. He’s leaving me here to the world full of unknown of the future. But my life has a way of working out in time. Time. Yes time should go by quickly. Time goes on like life. You can’t live in these moments of questioning what that could have been or where it could be. Could is the worst word in the english language. Could of, should of, all leaving girls to this insanity of questions going on in their mind of what they see. Rather then going through the facts of what is. I could have said how I felt and maybe this would have changed the out come. But he said nothing.

None of this explains this feeling in my heart. I stare at my steering wheel longing for an answer, not knowing how long I have sat here but I am still in front of his place so this is so not right. I put my car to look out on this road chosen to go. There is no questioning with this path. The path has been laid out for me. I take the first left to then make the second right and wrap around till main road and go home. That is know of how I should go. However I look in my review mirror of a blurring path that I want to go back to.

My heart is racing for an answer to these questions. All from a hug?

Did they think this was my last meal or something? This looks like a meal for about three people. Okay maybe I can eat it all but this is amazing! This would make a sufficient last meal. I wonder if that’s what Jesus thought. Like hey guys could we get a different wine, I want to savior it since I’m dying for all of you. If my mother heard that she would be doing so many prayers right now. But how could you not wonder.

“Eat Brooks.” I know that voice. I turn and see my child hood friend.

“Seth, oh man what are you doing here? Want some food?” I get up we do the bromance hug with smacking each others back to show how close we truly are.

“Brooks how you been my old friend?”

“You know living in Jersey working in the city for a marketing and publishing firm. It’s been good, shouldn’t really complain but can’t help it. How about you. Whatever happened to you traveling the world?”

“Oh I have done a lot of traveling..” I cannot hear the rest of his words because looking into his eyes I see this darkness that has been put in its place that brings chills to my spin. What has happened to my childhood friend? “I came back to the states about a year ago but had been living in Colorado doing rock climbing and of course snow boarding. Remember when we wanted to learn for these girls we thought were so hot?”

“Oh how could I forget? I ended up brakes my arm and spraining her ankle. But I still got her digits in the hospital.”

“Only you man. Now lets eat.” I see him break open the sushi and start eating it. So this should be safe food. Welp if I die at least my last meal was some good sushi. No screw that this taste awful.

Monica is walking into the office with more questions going through her head then she thought possible. She goes to the desk to get checked in expecting Tony to be able to bounce these ideas off of but it’s a new person. “Good Morning.”

“Oh hi. Morning I mean, sorry where is Tony?”

“He no longer works here.”

“What do you mean?” The new attendant behind the counter is unsure of what to say.

“He was asked to leave. Something about talking about God in the office.”

“Are you kidding me?!”

“No, I’m sorry miss.”

“Is there anyway I could contact him?”

“I have is number I can give you. It’s such a shame he was the most helpful here. He knew I have been struggling to pay for school and I know he has a big family to pay for but he would offer me hours.” Monica is in awe of thinking she thought this man was simply mean and would pass her by. While she has been the ignorant on and probably is the cause to him losing his job. Monica’s day is a blur. She has no clue what to work on, who to contact, and almost never answered her phone. Mike stopped by to apologize for the previous night and she almost broke down.

“Need to go for a walk?”

“I should do work but I know I wont do any.”

“Come on. I know I don’t seem like a good person to talk to but I am sure I can help.”

“Okay. You’ve gotten a man fired about telling you about God?”

“Just come one. Isn’t there chairs or a park near by?”

“Yeah just out the back entrance.”

“Okay that is where we will wait to talk.” They stay silent through the office, reach the elevators and still silent. Once they reach the air Monica feels more relaxed. “I have not gotten anyone fired from sharing God, however that is why I left my previous job. I have been a Christian my whole life. I never knew what it truly meant till my twenties when I truly needed God in my life.”

“Your a Christian?”

“Yep. Born and raised”

“Then your really blessed to have parents that raised you that way.”

“What about yours?”

“I believe my parents where christians, but they passes away before I could question religion or really come to an age where I knew what God would mean to me and my life.” Monica and Mike continue to sit and take in their surroundings not saying a thing. They get lost in a conversation and Monica asking questions about God and what he means to Mike. Going around debating, not sure what it all means, to before they know it, the sun is setting. Still more that Monica wants to know so they go to dinner together.

Monica went to work spoke to Tony as she entered. Shared with him what she had read and what chapters had changed her view. Still unsure of what all these things mean to her, Tony simple shares for her to not rush it and to continue reading. He is no expert so tell her to seek a place out that she feels called to. Monica agrees to this and heads to her office. Before looking for a place that calls to her, which she is unsure of what that could possible mean, she does the research she promised to do for Mike.

“What is with this thing?” Monica is clicking all over her computer for the website she uses for simpler researching of fundraisers and it does nothing.

“Bad time?” Monica turns to see Mike standing at her office door.

“Oh no, sorry just trying to actually look up the information I said I would do for you.”

“Ahh, well thank you so much. I did some of my own.”

“Awesome. I honestly meant to do this for you yesterday but life gave me a slap in the face so I had to put it off.”

“Alright. In a good way.”

“You know I think so.”

“Well that’s always good.” Mike unsure of what to continue on saying goes and hands the folder he’s brought with all the research he has done.

“Oh right, getting straight to business. Listen not sure what your expecting to do or anything-”

“I have everything laid out there with my ideas. Read it over and give me a call.” Mike just turns and head to the elevator. Monica is unsure how to think of this. Should she follow him or, she’s up and heading to him.

She catches him at the elevator, “that’s it?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your just going to walk all the way to my office, hand me this, and then be done?”

“Monica I know your business didn’t mean it in a rude way. Honestly.” Mike looks serious at Monica and questions lingering on his face of wondering why she’s so hurt by what just happened.

“I’m sorry. I guess I am just, I, there is just a lot of my mind. I will read this over and give it back to you.”

“Thanks.” The elevator opens and Mike steps on in. Gives an awkward wave and the door shuts.

“And that lady and gentlemen is how you make a complete and total ass of yourself.” Monica phone goes off with a text from Andrew, done for party tonight at Shay’s? Shay is friends with Mike, Monica just made an ass out of herself to him. Probably not. I’ll be there.

Taisha is sitting patiently awaiting for her daughter to come back to home. She’s used to her daughter going to her fathers and spending the night, but she normally comes home early because her father doesn’t make the best breakfasts. Desiree should have been home by now. I wonder what could possibly be taking her this long. The back door opens and Taisha jumps up excited for her daughter. Then turns the corner and sees the boy that was at her home yesterday with her daughter. “Jeremy what are you doing here?”

“Is Desiree here?”

“She will be soon.” Taisha runs to the window to look out. Desiree walking down the street. “Jeremy you need to go.”

“But I have missed you. I came to see you yesterday and it was just your daughter.” He moves closing to Taisha putting his arms around her waist. “I’ll wait upstairs for you.” Before Taisha can react Desiree is coming through the front door and Jeremy is already at the top of the stairs.

“Hey honey. How was your father’s?” Taisha tries to pull it off as something she would normally say.

“It was fine. I didn’t sleep much. I’m going to go up and take a bath.” Desiree makes her way up the stairs while my head is running with what to do. Desiree is already upstairs. How do I get him out? Do I just leave him?

“MOMMMMM!!! AHHH!” Taisha head jerks to run to her daughter.

“Desiree what is it?”

“Oh my god! Mom I just went in to get the bath running and there was this naked man laid out on the floor!”

“What?!”

“Mom listen to me. Our bathroom. Naked man. What the hell were you doing all night?”

“Desiree listen to me I had no idea! If I did wouldn’t you think I would not have you come upstairs.” Taisha goes to inspect the bathroom. “Did the person break in?”

“No I ran away I didn’t even see if he left.”

“There is no one in here now. Let me call the police.”

“Mom, I recognized him though.”

“You did?”

“I don’t know from where but she as hell know I have seen him before.” Desiree storms past her mom and leaves the house.

“Glad your home. Sorry about the nakedness.”

“Sorry I thought that was you.”

“Jeremy what the hell!”

“Shut up. Kiss me.” Before Taisha realizes they’re kissing and going to her bedroom.

Since I reach over 700 views I'm in a good mood, so double posting today!

Reality

Me again. Enjoying all these fun times of my life. I know typical girl journal right. Or at least Hollywood movie. Annoying right? But yeah this was my life. Kelly story of a time of drama! But come one isn’t it good? You just want to know who I end up with. Do I end up with anyone? I may just be screwed over. But that is just to confuse you. I needed to give myself a break from figuring all this out. I thought you might too. Now a lot of all this mess has slightly died down. I didn’t say it is all figured out. Just died down. Or at least that is what I am telling myself. Now that is not to confuse you just how I simply see the situation.

So who are you rooting for the nice guy or Josh? The nice guy did take me out on a good date. We did have fun. My mother tells me that maybe he was just nervous about everything and that is what’s going on. Don’t think I tell my mother everything but if a guy comes to take me out on a date and I say it isn’t going to happen again she is going to put in her input. It’s a mothers thing I guess. She knows nothing about Josh. Goodness privacy people. I don’t know do you guys really think he is simply nervous. He is extremely conservative, maybe a little sheltered and no used to girls like me. I don’t mean to sound conceded but I am kind of a rare girl with the way I think and talk if you couldn’t tell by being inside my mind!

But yeah are you sick of hearing my thoughts and just want to see where things go with Josh and the nice guy? I figured.

Phone Call

“Hello.” Waking up with a morning groggy voice to answer the phone. Didn’t even check the id.

“Kelly, hey is this a bad time?”

Yes. “No, what’s up?”

“I just wanted to explain myself from the other night. Would you be free to grab coffee later?” Who is this? Oh wow nice guy. Right. What does he need to explain? Why is he calling me? Oh right caused I got angry about his asking me about drinking. Why the hell would he ask me about that? He’s crazy. This will be interesting to hear what he has to say.

“First what is today?”

“Saturday.”

“Okay I should be. What time?” Give me time to wake up shower.

“Does two work?”

“What time is it now?”

“It is noon.”

“That should give me time to shower and get out of bed. Where?”

“This twenty questions?”

“Good sir do you want to meet for coffee?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes it’ll be twenty question since you are to make the plans and I simply show up. If not then I will return to my slumber and will see you when I see you.”

“Alright. I hear you. Two in coffee shop on the corner of glen and oak. That work for you Ms. Who Enjoy Her Slumber?”

“Yes. I might be fifteen minutes late though” give a pause for him to sign in his mind but not enough time to respond, “kidding. Now jumping in the shower so bye!”

“Your crazy. See you soon.” Now lets get some banging music for me to shower to and some adorable sweats so it does not look like I’m trying but makes my ass look awesome for him to wonder why on earth he would ever talk to me the way he did. Nahh not worth him wanting me more. Just jeans and boring top.

Oh crap I’m suppose to meet Josh later! Was that this afternoon?! Well nice guy best be quick so I can make it to Josh’s. Guess you’ll be getting a more dressed up look then you were expecting. Enjoy it.

Driveway

“I need an answer.”

“A answer about what?” Showing up to my house this late is craziness. What is he thinking?

“Are we just friends?”

“Josh?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you asking if we’re just friends?”

“Because I like you. I think you have made it pretty clear that you like me too.” I look around to make sure the nice guys left. He has. Okay time to be honest. “Who are you looking for.”

“You know the guy I was just with?”

“Yeah.”

“Him because he just took me out on a date and I don’t want him to hear all this. You like me?”

“Yeah.”

“Never told me.”

“I thought I made it clear. What always so happy with you around. Asking you to do things wasn’t enough?”

“Considering you do that with a lot of girls. Girls that your not even interested in, I would say yes.”

“You still should have known.”

“False.”

“Fine I’m leaving.”

“You drove to my house for that and your just going to leave?”

“Yeah because I don’t want to seem like an idiot. You should have known how I felt about you. This is ridiculous how could you not have known?”

“Actions speak louder than words.” Turning for my house to walk in next thing I know he’s grabbing me and giving me the most intense kiss I have ever gotten. When I finally open my eyes he’s getting in his car and driving away.

“Maybe this is a bad time.” Who the eff is that? I don’t want to turn around. I am in way to much shock to register whose voice that even is. Crap I have to turn around. Slowly. Oh ever so slowly. Ryan?

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you because I know your seeing my best friend and wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh god. I didn’t know that was going to happen. He just dropped me off and when I was walking to my door Josh showed up.”

“I wont say anything. But you should. Listen I know he doesn’t seem like a really special guy or anything but he just has a lot of learning to still do to feel comfortable one on one with a girl.” I seriously cannot be talking to anyone about this right now. “I know you like him, but he will be the one getting hurt not you.” Really need to stop talking right now. “Are you serious about leaving?”

“Leaving?”

“When your done with school do you really want to leave?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.” That’s it. He just turns now and walks away. Thanks for all the mind fucks universe. It’s been real.

Flashback

“Oh crap it’s sold out. Welp I thought this might happen.”

“It’s okay, we can still go grab coffee. Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks?”

“I am for either but more of a Dunkin’ Donuts person.”

“I am the same, if I want actual coffee I will go to Dunkin’ but if I was something girly I will totally go to Starbucks.” I see the nice guy continuing to talk about something but my thoughts are so lost in myself. I am being completely rude but I cannot help it. How did I get on a second date, this quickly. We made plans before he even asked me out so I should not be that surprised, however I should not be here. Everything about this situation my mind is screaming NO! But for some reason I cannot shake it off. It runs through my head of questioning why did I like this guy?

“Oh sorry I have you going the wrong way. Well at least you get to see more of my side.”

“Yeah I get to see more of this side of the highway.”

“True. I wont have you turn around because honestly it will probably take the same amount of time.”

“That’s fine. So anyway the thing at work-” and tuning out. I am truly being this heartless. What is going on with me right now? Is it simply nerves why he is acting this way? No this seriously cannot be just nerves. No one can be this off from how they are normally. Could they?

“Your going to keep left and go down that side street then make a left after the train tracks at the light.”

“Okay. So when I was out Neil was pointing out to me things that I should be doing and things to like work on. I understand that I have things that I need to work on and that is why I haven’t really dated much or anything.”

“Oh no it’s fine.” Is he seriously telling me this now? Okay we are no on this level yet, this is after you’ve been dating for a while and happily together. Not a second date expose all your flaws. I am suppose to discover that on my own and work around it.

“No I know I have stuff to work on, like communication.” Oh man. What have I done. Too soon. Now I know this is basically going to kill any future of dating that I could have thought would have happened. Maybe it wont be that bad. I need to try and stay focus stop zoning out! Okay he was talking about communication. You talk a lot. Yes Kelly, you talk a lot. Your good at communication.

“Oh this is our towns bar, basically one big high school reunion.”

“Note to never go there. That is were you basically see naked girls, asses, and boobs. I’m good.” I couldn’t resist but to laugh.

“Well true, but is that not a lot of bars?”

“I guess there are some classy ones, or other where you just go to grab a drink with friends. That would not be one of them I’m guessing.”

“Depends on the breaks from college.”

“Ahhh. I see.”

“Yep.” Man we are just going to grab coffee, isn’t that backwards dating? I should have not reminded him about this Monday night. Why did I call?! I am the girl it is not my job to be the reminder and ask about plans. It is is. Goodness what if I set up this situation.

Lunch

Need to rush to the building on the other side of campus to grab some food, eat half of it to save the other half for dinner. Goodness I seriously need to stop talking to myself so much. I am like my own best friend in a psycho path way. The worst part is I’m okay with it. I should not let people know I am okay with this. But hey this is my head you’ve invaded. You wanted Kelly’s head and I don’t think you can be hating. Wow why am I like speed walking, there is seriously not need for this. I can slow down. Oh screw that this wind is too freaking much. Police man let me just cross the road and not have to wait for these cars. They’re warm and shielded. I’m basically naked come one. OKay so not really I am dressed fine but still. It’s cold. Score I’m crossing. “Thank you.”

“No problem, have a good day.” Oh I will thanks hot cop. Alright door slide faster and let me in. Just have to make it down there and get food. No matter what I do I will always get an Italian sandwich. They need to make different sandwiches. Well it is my fault I could make one from one. But really, do you think I would blame myself? Nope. Now are there two chair couches open? Of course not. It doesn’t matter anyway. Josh is la†e of course. Will this boy ever be on time for anything? Thank God we could never date because I am not sure he would even be on time for that. And that truly is not a lot to ask for. Be on time for a date. Like come one. But not my issue. 

I could grab a quick nap in my car. Oh but that will be like fifteen minutes, so not worth it. Besides I am already here. Should I even bother doing work? Let’s see 12:15, I have about a half hour before he’ll be here so I could recopy my notes. “Hey!” 

“What is this?!  Your actually on time.”

“I tend to do that from time to time.”

“So I see.” After we both exchange smiles of happy and awkwardness we proceed to share this chair couch and talk about the randomness of life. “How was work?”

“Oh god don’t even get me started. New topic. Thanks so much for offering to help me out tonight I really appreciate it.”

“Pshhh, don’t mention it.”

“So how was your date?” Oh man totally forgot I talked to him about that. Tell him straight up or avoided and be awkward? Cheerful it is.

“Umm, it was good.” Be sure to add an embarrassed smile to pull this off just right. Look down, then yes meet his eyes. I think I pulled this off nicely.

Morning

For those of you who are the same page as me, I am one of those. Yes a morning person. I may not instantly be happy when I wake, however I am generally happy. Some days I pop right out of bed, others I may stretch and lay out, others I open my eyes and simply wonder how it is morning and what to do now. Then I will get up go about my morning business with brushing teeth and washing my face. You know the necessities to life to keep up hygenie and feel like a person rather than a disgusting slob that should not be let out into society. Lord knows there are to many ‘free sprits’ out there. However I am not one of those. I like to be a follower with that.

Any who then the hard part of the morning, what to freaking wear. It is that awkward time of year where you think you should be dressing warm simply because snow no longer exist however your still freezing your ass off. Go with typical jeans and cute top, now shoes. Boots can still happen. Uggs? Flats? Too cold. Sneakers? Nope ran this morning and so not going to be too crazy. Uggs to at least be comfortable. Of course it is not 7:30 and I still have to pack up all my stuff for class, get breakfast, water, and get in my car. Welp speeding to class I see. No matter what I will hit the three five traffic lights and two of them will be red. Just four classes and them home. Maybe I will grab a nap in my car to recharge from this lack of sleep. I am all done for being social but sleep used to be my friend.

Where was I, oh crap going to miss the turn for my school. Need to seriously where I am driving sometimes. Got all my stuff, food, water, now keys. Hopefully I locked my car. If not I am sure someone will try and jack my stuff. Oh class. Thank you professor for greeting me each morning. This class I used to be interested in and put my input until the professor learned so many names and would not remember mine no matter how many times I spoke. So over it. I wonder if anyone is awake enough on facebook. I cannot be the only awake sole. Even though people probably haven’t updated their statues.

“Hey Kel.” Sami says as he sits down for class. Looking the same as always but today he seems different. Goodness how I want that boy to get a real sweet girl. He’d be an amazing boy friend.

“Morning. How was your weekend?”

“You know, did my thing. Where were you.” Nodding his head in his gangster like way. One of the true reason I love Sami, gangster but total sweetheart.

“You know, ‘doing my thanng’.” We both giggle. “Nahh seriously just chilled with some people, nothing too crazy.” That is one thing that is nice. My life can go to complete crap but friends are always grounded and wont do anything ridiculous. Well maybe a little ridiculous.

“Your doing it again.”

Snapping back to reality. “Doing what?”

“Talking to yourself. You use to be better at covering it up. You must be stressed out.”

“Oh. Didn’t even realize how much I have actually been talking to myself. Stressed yes. Handling it, not so much. Working on it.” I smile to not show how truly embarrassed I am. It is one thing to be caught by a stranger, I will never see them again. But in class talking to a friend. Fail. I should at least be paying attention to what they’re saying.

“What’s been going on?”

“Nothing. Work, school, family. You know. The works. What about with you?”

“Kelly, come one-”

“Class it’s eight so I guess we should start.” Yes professor you begins while I write random things that are written on the board and we shall continue on with this relationship.

Kean’s coffee is always the best to have. Everyone looks so put together like we weren’t out till 4:30 last night. I am the only one struggling. Back home you are allowed to rock the struggling look. Here you show a weakness and people pounce. I got dressed that was enough for me. I’m glad even though I’m around trust fund babies they know how to work and are accepting.

“So, you and Jerry?”

“Did everyone see that?”

“Considering we were all going to leave to go home. Yes.”

“Oh goodness. Summer has a photo. What about you Alexa?”

“Why would you think I would have any kind of evidence. I solely just wanted to ask.” Alexa keeps her head up holding back a laugh till she take out her camera to Jerry kissing me while I stare with a shocked face. She has a setting where is can take photo after photos while you hold down the button. So I got to see how Jerry turned me around kissed me I was in shock! But I just started making out with him. Right in the middle of the side walk then got in a cab. Oh what lovely friends I have.

“Please tell me he has called you. I wont accept texts or bbm’s it must be a call.”

“Considering I just woke up. No.”

“Jerry needs to step up his game. He’s been wanting to do that for sometime but you had that boyfriend of yours.”

“Well he got his chance. Lets see if he pulls through.”

“Well you know Jerry.”

“Yes I do.”

All the girls can’t help to laugh but Summer cuts in with, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.”

Speaking too Soon

Without a fail. He would be the one to call. Not the mystery boy from jersey I know. But the guy I started seeing when I first moved out to LA. I knew they invented caller ID for a reason.

“How was your birthday?”

“It was good. What do you want?”

“I just wanted to see how your birthday was. I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“And your surprised by that?”

“Well I just thought we could or would be friends you know. It’s weird not hanging out with you everyday and I miss you.

“Well..”

“Well... What?”

“Austin, you know what.”

“I was hoping that you could forgive me and give me a second chance. I know I messed up. People make mistakes. Don’t you think this has been going on long enough.”

Summer walks into the room and mouths asking who it is. I mouth back Austin. Her normal reaction, rolling her eyes, plopping down on the couch throwing her arms in the air.

“Look I have to go.”

“Alright. But could we please meet up for lunch or a drink this week?”

“Maybe. I have to go.” Before Austin could even respond I hung up and just sat back.

“So I thought you guys were done?” Summer adjusts herself to stare right at me now.

“We are. We’ve been done. I didn’t even know it was him I just answered the phone without checking and to my surprise it was him.”

“Well, surprise!” We both crack up and get up to meet the rest of the crew for coffee down the street. Summer stays in her dress from the night before. It isn’t exactly a dress you could pull off for night and day but Summer always dose what Summer wants.

“Hey could I borrow a pair of flats? I think if I try walking in heels i might just fall down.”

“Oh what. Did someone have a rough night last night?”

“Funny. But seriously?”

“Have you not learned yet that you never need to ask.”

“Your too good to me.” Smiling I walk up to Summers walk in closet which still is bigger than my apartment but the girl has amazing taste and a bank account with a never ending supply. I grab her black Chanel shoes, Chanel I have always loved. Collection is always timeless and reminds me of being home.