Getting home I don’t know what I had just gone through. Was that a conversation? For some reason I feel like I was spent the last hour of my life nodding my head. Nodding, that is it. Just casually nodding. However, this wasn’t a casual nod in agreement, it was more of an awkward nod of not knowing what to say or do really. I am not one whose at a lost of words. That is if there is some to be sad or there is a need to speak, I will. But, here, there was nothing for me to say. There was nothing of value for to respond to. He was so awkward shrugging his shoulders and just saying he doesn’t talk things out.

There is only so much I can deal with. Looking back it is easy to judge him for the way he acted, but even then I did the same judgement, probably harder. I thought this would be the only conversation about dating and misunderstanding we would have. It wasn’t the first we had, there was one before this, but this was our first one in person.

The one before this though, was not a conversation, it was more being cornered to answer if I did like him or not. But, not even that. I don’t have words for it. Who pushes a girl to say she likes him or not and then proceed to say how they were confused by his intention. Crazy Sauce. 

It all starts in to local coffee shop. Many people use coffee shops to get to know a person and see if there is a chance for a relationship. That is the traditional way to look at things. Well, this was a first time grabbing coffee to share how a relationship was not going to happen.

“I just asked you to go there because I thought you would enjoy it. There was not alternative motive.”

“The way you were talking about it and plans made it come off that you were planning it for just us and had planned for it to mean more.”

“Yeah I thought it would be something that we could do, but I was the one asking.”

“Yeah I know you asked.”

“Right. I am the girl. Me asking, not you. If you had asked it would have been different. There would have been a thought process of maybe this is more than just friends, but it was me.”

“I know, but you made it sound like you wanted more to come out of it.”

“How?” I shift in my car in a slight confusion trying to remember the conversation we had of me asking him to go. I talked it up in excitement because I have good memories of the place and honestly thought he would have really enjoyed going to it.

“You just kept saying how I would enjoy it and didn’t seem like you wanted anyone else to go.” He just sits there seeming so uncomfortable and awkward.

“Honestly that is just how I am. I like getting to know people and building relationships with them so I spend time one on one time with them. In a group you can’t do that. There are just others and distractions, it just makes it hard. I don’t really know what you want me to say. You don’t really know who I am or much about me so you just assumed these were my attentions.”

“Well . . . you would joke about us dating.”

“I also told you it would never work out for us to date.”

“I know.”

“So apparently me thinking we would never date and telling you it wouldn’t work out clearly means that I want to date you.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“I am just trying to understand.” I am trying to hold back my defensive tone but he isn’t being rational. His responses are coming off so quiet and as though he is uncomfortable and doesn’t believe what he says. “If you are making accusations about me liking you and wanting more you should be able to back up your thinking.”

“I just . . . I got, I just got this feeling so I stopped it before it went further.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah so anyway how’s your coffee?” Seriously? This guy really has no back bone.

“It’s good. Listen I am getting kind of tired and I cam here to talk to settle things but you don’t seem interested in doing that.” I begin to move off the seat and he still is just staring at me. Is he really this dumb?

“I thought we did.”

“Do you not talk things out to make them better?”

“I never have before no.”

“Seriously?”

“No. I haven’t.” He just stares and me and shrugs his soldiers like I’m the crazy one/”

“Wow. That is ridiculous. Have you not had a friend you’ve wanted to talk things out with, or even a girl you liked or liked you?”

“I don’t. I just don’t talk about it or to them really and then we just start talking again.”

“Wow that’s really immature. Sorry but it’s true.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, umm, when you want to talk, then reach out, but for now I am not going to waste my time just pushing something under the rug that you brought up. It may seem like I am making a big deal about this, but I can’t believe you brought this up and didn’t expect to talk about it.”

“I just don’t.”

“Just don’t what?”

“Talk about things. I get over it and that’s it.”

“Yeah, well when you have an issue with a person you need to say something to them.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” I have no idea what to say or think in this situation. Am I being defensive or a typical girl and over thinking things? He’s making me feel like the crazy one. I break my muffin in half contemplating this. He sits there tapping on his drink with his fingers. Just tapping, making no noise but just a distraction in the silence of awkward that has just transpired. 

I shift to cross my legs the opposite way leaning back to pull the wrapper off the bottom half of my muffin. Chocolate chip muffins from dunking are always softer than a bakery or bagel shop makes them. It is harder to break and harder to eat. Why did I even get a muffin? The donuts are good enough and I wouldn’t mind having a Boston creme. Ahh my thoughts are all over the place.

Rachel get your head straight. “So how’s that muffin working out?”

“It’s working. I don’t know about the good or bad. Kinda making me think why I didn’t just get a donut.”

“You can still get one.”

“I’m good.”

“Okay, well if your not happy with something you can change it.” Oh the irony.

Douche! That is the main thing going through my mind when I pull into my garage. You know happy thoughts of course. I was so happy having a lovely day, well okay maybe wasn’t the best because I have been super moody but I was on the upswing to be happy and things looking up for a brighter night that I was even considering going out tonight. Not a big thing but I was out of my funk. So I tell him that I am thinking that I’ll end up going over. He says this other girl is coming whose ‘just a friend’ so it’d be better if I don’t. Come again? Was I know the girl you were making out with the other night? Obviously I should be the one told to not come over.

Douche! I am just staring at my steering wheel, I somehow had the thought process to turn off my car and take my keys out. Stomping up the steps from my garage into my house I move past the people, it is as if they are figures and I do not know how we got to where we are now. One minute things are great! Okay let’s be real maybe it wasn’t great, or good for that matter. Maybe it just was. But just was, was better than what it is now. When I look at him I feel disgust. No, I don’t even look at him or think of him. Well, I do think of him that is a lie because he is what’s fueling this intense productively.

A guy. A silly boy is what is fueling this crazed let’s get work done and over drive mentality. He is only a boy because he is not a man so a boy is fitting. You can be the age of a man but not act or have the attitude of one. That is besides the point. One of the biggest tensions between a guy and a girl is whether they like one another or not. The closer they get, the more confused they get. There are connections that are made, an unspeakable bond you could say. Knowing how the other thinks, their past, and them talking about your future. The future makes it come off as though they will be in each others futures in a different way.There is something special and different about this one. They say guys and girls cannot be just friends. We should have listened. Getting to this level of being so close that it almost seemed inevitable. 

No. I was a strong woman. I knew where my head was at. I was focused. We said just friends. There were to be no feelings or any sort of connection. That is what we agreed on didn’t we? Then how did I let this happen? I gave in, I gave in, I gave, I have feelings for you. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You know too much about me, I know so much about you. I can’t like you. I choose not to like you. It’s so hard when you smile at me the way you do. I told you it was distraction and now I feel like a smile never leaves your face. These little distractions. All sweet and innocent.

Where is that silly notebook. I need to get all this out of my head. It is all trapped in here. It is making me go mad! I need it out. A release of pen to paper is like a drug. A crazy, mad unspeakable drug. Where the, oh of course next to my bed. Why would I be rummaging through these draws to my desk that just end up with things thrown in them? I have no idea. I just think I just needed to slam things.

“Hey, umm is everything okay?”

“Whose that?”

“Well Rach is you turn around or would recognize your roommate of the last twenty years you’d know it’s your sister. What’s wrong.”

“Sorry Gen. I just have had a horrible day and need to write it out. So unless you want me to project it on you let me get it out on paper, burn it and be done with it then we can talk.”

“I think before talking we’ll need some wine.”

“That too. And chocolate.”

“Yes.”

“No screw that this silly thing is not getting me down. I am going for a freaking long ass run. A run to trump all runs. I am not going to do the stereotypical girl thing of curling up in a depressed ball and giving into my feelings. Screw that!”

“Okay.”

“Now get out let me right and then run.”

“Good luck with that.”

Gen slowly closes the door behind her leaving me to my thoughts. Thank God! I love my sister but she will simply complain if I at all complain to her because she has told me from the beginning I am being stupid with this guy and she just doesn’t like him. Maybe she’s right. No, she was right. I don’t know why I’ve been waiting around and for him this long. What’s so great about him anyway? Umm, yeah I’m going to need time to answer that one.

Where was I? Oh right DOUCHE! DOUCHE! DOUCHE! Ehh where to even freaking begin? Umm yeah it’s great you made your big move, congrat - u -freaking - lations! You can make out with a girl but you can’t do the follow through. Honestly guys think they can do anything they so please with anyone and that in the end it was the girl thinking to much about it all. But come freaking on! If there was never a conversation about dating, something happens, and then you talk okay yeah understandable. There was conversations. Yes, plural. Many. More than one. So seriously what were you thinking?!

Obviously there is a back story to all of this. I will not go back to the very beginning, that is simply too much of a backstory to this whole melodrama stupidity. Let’s set a scene for the beginning of the summer. Everyone like the summer, it’s fun easy and relaxed right? Well, this summer seemed to start off at just a little preview for how this relationship was going to play out and just grow into greater confusion.

Neglected

Hey, sorry it has been so long since I last posted. This semester made it very difficult to write stories and post so there has been no posting unfortunately. I will be working on the old story, however will most likely be posting a new story I am about to begin working on. I may not be posting as regularly because I really need to begin to get in the habit of editing before I submit or post material. I hope you enjoy the future stories and don't forget to check out my poems and photos!

“My house now, bring wine.”

“Monica you know I’m always down for wine with you. What’s the occasion?”

“Ahh of course we shall need an occasion for this one. Let us going with the typical girl answer of how I am an idiot for liking a guy who is so clueless and oblivious and have a great guy who would probably be awesome to me, and I have no interest.”

“Done I think this will need a bottle each, one of each or what’s your flavor of choice?”

“Please you know white and I are secret lovers.”

“True. Sweet or want the bitter?”

“If I wanted bitter I would grab scotch or some strong vodka with red bull. Trying to be classy here.”

“Yes cannot get wasted on a Tuesday like it’s a Friday.”

“Truth.”

“Don’t you have work in the morning?”

“Yes, hangover wont kick in till after so I should be fine.”

“Glad that you always think these things threw. Where you at?”

“Leaving campus now, you?”

“Should be done with this paper in the next half hour then my fine ass will be getting us wine, you get the chinese?”

“Who do you think I am? Of course chinese! Put in the order right before calling you.”

“You never let me down.”

“Of course not.”

“Now movie?”

“Oh this we will have to go cheesy, like 10 Things I Hate About You followed up by one that reminds us how that is only a movie and not real life so didn’t know if you would want Gladiator or Die Hard.”

“Both solid choices. I think I will have to go with Gladiator on this. Have not seen that in a while. As much as I do love Die Hard and all the Bruce has to offer, Russel Crowe may have to take the win on this.”

“I like where your head is at.”

“Oh but due to it being Tuesday I may have to watch a show at 10. But depending on out level of coherentness.”

“Sweetie trust me I do not see that happening. It is the middle of the day and your going to be over in a half our, my house is empty, and we are starting with two bottle over the phone which means your bound to bring four.”

“True, guess I have to tivo. I will finish this paper tomorrow it’s not due till next week anyway.”

“That’s my girl. Now hurray up I cannot guarantee that I won’t start without you.”

“Same here.”

“Bye.”

“Peace!” Ahh what I would do without this girl is uncanny. Now I hear Jason’s voice going in the back of my head, screw the nice girl act and go after this guy who wants you. It’ll be easy and make the guy I want jealous. Stupid Jason I am not that kind of girl at all! I cannot stand those girls. I do not hang out with them, why would I want to be one! His response would only be, cause he’s awesome and I should listen to him. Let the gluten feast begin!

“Monica wait up!” Who could this be?

“Yeah.” I turn out of reaction and don’t see anyone. I scan all views and still no one. I keep walking with my music on.

“Monica just one second.”

“Where are you?”

“Umm your phone. You just answered it put I had you on speaker so shouting while I just finish putting these paper away so I don’t give you divided attention.”

“Oh wow I probably was hitting next song on my phone at that moment too funny. I thought you were walking behind me or something.”

“Yes because I would be walking around a college campus right now.”

“Hey you never know.”

“Does it seem like I want to go back to school?”

“Not if your life depended on it.”

“Good answer. Well what you doing?”

“Clearly aimlessly walking around a college campus.”

“Clearly, how silly of me.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you. What are you up to?”

“Slaving away at work.”

“So you relaxing on your deck with a beer.”

“Like I said, slaving away at the office, its a gin and tonic not a beer, come on Monica.”

“Oh the key word, my apologize again for mixing up your drink choices.”

“It’s okay only very few can know all these details of an aggressive work day, you are still so young with your youth.”

“Yes I still have time before drinking mid day becomes the norm.”

“Good Lord it’s only the middle of the day?!”

“Too funny, you know your the only person I know that tries to honestly live his life as though he is on Mad Men.”

“First off great show reference.”

“Thank you.”

“Second those are professionals and did hard work.”

“Yes, how could I have missed that note of them drinking in the middle of the day,  and you know them having sex with their secretaries.”

“It is okay Mon your mistake is understandable due to your inexperience. When you hit the work grind you will know of the times in which I speak of.”

“Oh well that moment I am looking forward to see how different our worlds will even be. I don’t even know what your job is. What do you do?”

“Ha, please.”

“Seriously.”

“Please.”

“Okay Jason.”

“So long.” I hang up before any new conversation could be brought up or Jason add any last line to make my mind question anything else about my life. Jason what an interesting man. I cannot remember how he came into my life or why he is in my life. I cannot seem so shack him. Although he has now been in my life for so long I could not image him not in it. Even though he says many inappropriate things to me and others I love the guy.

Which does seem like wondering aimlessly around campus but I am so lost. I just transfered to this school and have no idea where I am sometimes. So here I stand in the middle of this walkway staring at these buildings that all look basically the same. Well with trees of course. Oh this is exhausting trying to come up with where to do my work. I know the library but I don’t have work today and can just go home. Oh the toss up.

“Do you need help?”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry you seem to be in the middle of a thought but also look lost.”

“Oh I’m sorry trying to figure out what to do and where to go. No solid thoguht processes honestly.”

“That’s okay. Was also looking for an excuse to say hello.”

“Well you did choose wisely. How did you know I would answer and not be a typically girl from Jersey and simply ignore you?”

“I thought I would risk it.”

“Glad you did?”

“Yes in fact I am.”

“That’s sweet, and what might your name be?”

“Sorry, Mike. You are?”

“Monica, nice to meet you.”

“Monica would it be too forward to ask for you number and to grab some coffee?”

“Are you asking permission or are you simply giving a hypothetical question that has no justification to it at all.”

“I believe I was asking permission to see how weird it would be. Due to your response I can see you are more of an intellect then you seem to give yourself credit for.”

“I believe I give my wit plenty of acknowledgement.”

“Good to know.”

“Something you will clearly need to learn and wait to see.”

“I look forward to it.”

“Well here is my name and number, I must run because now you have given me help with making my decision.”

“Glad to be of help. I will give you a call for coffee.”

“Sounds good. See you around Mike.”

“Lovely meeting you Monica.” I bow out and begin to head to my car for home. Going from a conversation with Jason to Mike was like completely different spectrums.

“I just want to punch him in the face!”

“Monica you okay?”

“Okay I just said I wanted to punch a person in the face and your asking if I’m okay?!” She just looks at me with a judging shocked face. Then pauses and has her own moment of reflection. “Right you were here all peaceful and then walked in the crazy elf. Well I am in your home but that was not my plan! I got a phone call walking up the steps and it was this guy I’ve been talking to and he honestly just says the stupidest things!”

“Wait your talking to a guy?”

“Well I don’t know if we really are on the talking level or just friends.”

“Oh, I got you. That’s the worst phase.”

“Yeah, especially when I know just how dumb he can be about these things, like warning was given. Ahh I think it also has to do with thinking about Daniel lately, and-”

“Wait Daniel? As in guy you dated and was serious with?”

“That’s the one.”

“Why?”

“Beats me. I thought that him out of my life for this long and me having dealt with it all and at a peace with it, that it would just be removed from my mind.”

“Okay Monica come here, have you dated or actually liked anyone since Daniel?”

“Not seriously, more so talked to guys and was in a bored place, yes I know horrible time to start anything, but I didn’t know better. Well I did but I was bored and me bored I can’t really help my reactions.”

“Oh please, we all have been there but have you actually gone out with any of the guys that you thought you liked?”

“Umm their stance of a date or mine?”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Get it together.”

“Wow where did this directness come from?”

“I know right?! I think cause I know this is what you would say or want to hear it is just coming out. Wait you don’t mind right?”

“Chels please, I appreciate it so much.”

“Good! Now rewind, was it Daniel on the phone or this new guy?”

“New guy.”

“Someone I know?”

“You might, I don’t want to give too much detail because this truly could be all in my mind.” I probably sound like a total crazy person. Saying a relationship, no this is not a relationship I am simply talking to a person, well more so on a level of getting to know him, and myself really. “The things we talk about are things I have been passionate about and haven’t had anyone else to talk about it with. Well I have said it to other people but it has been more of a mention it and no one really is into it or understands it so I just keep to whatever else we were talking about.”

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“Are you making a strong emotional connection with this guy through writing and sharing a lot about your lives that you don’t really do with anyone else.”

“The way you said it makes it sound really bad.”

“It’s not bad like a crime or anything. More since your connecting on all these things it could feel like more, with him simply making conversation.”

“You think?”

“Well have you asked his friends if he has talked to anyone else about anything you’ve talked about?”

“I have, and some of the things he has talked to them about and others not so much.”

“Monica be careful. He’s a guy and does not think all these things through. He could honestly be making conversations.”

“But-”

“Hear me out.”

I give a slight pout and fall back into the couch. “Fine.”

“Alright, are the things your talking about just generalizations about your own lives and such?”

“Oh I answer this?”

“Yes, with no explanation, just a simply yes or no.”

“Okay, well yes.”

“Now when you share things about how you see your future life do you see you two doing these things together or are you just sharing things you’ve thought about doing or have done.”

“This requires more than a yes or no.”

“Then give and explanation.”

“No I don’t totally see us doing these things, it is simply things I wish to do.”

“So do you think he can or is doing the same.”

“Yes, also what made you think we talked about future events?”

“I know you, you like looking to the future and intertwining it with things you have already done.”

“Oh so you do listen.”

“Yes it is like you’ve skipped the part of the present. Not saying you don’t live in the moment but you see far into the future and things you’ve done rather than living day by day. I know day by day is insanity but even week by week.”

“That doesn’t sound too crazy.”

“It’s because it’s not!” When did Chelsea become the words of wisdom. I don’t meant to doubt her but I seem to be peoples go to person and I haven’t really gotten that from other people. I need that. I don’t see things guy as someone to be with right now or in the future but since we do talk about all these things that could easily be mistaken.

Why do I have to be such a girl sometimes. I’m staring at Chelsea now and see that her mouth is moving and she is probably still giving me advice but I truly have no idea all I can do is stare. I tend to end up in these situations, giving a personality they are undeserving of or a false build up. Whatever the case maybe. That lasted a good while. Thank goodness I did not put too much though into it or else that could have ended up being really awkward.

“So stupid!”

“Monica is that you?” Crap I was not expecting anyone to be here.

“Oh hey Chels, sorry didn’t know you were here.”

“It’s Tuesday of course I’m here, night to catch up on random shows. How could I miss this?”

“Oh it’s Tuesday. I didn’t even realize.” My bags feel like they’re filled with bricks and I just want them off my shoulder. “Sorry been in my own little world today.”

“Oh give it up what’s been going on? You are never quiet unless something is really on your mind and bothering you, spill it.”

“Chels it’s so stupid, like I just feel so dumb for letting this get the better of me. I don’t let things bother me or really get to me but this, this is just so... so...” I just feel like pouting and not even getting these words out. I look at my hands and just can see that I am all awkward and this is hard for me to say.

“Come here.” Chelsea’s arms are held open and I just go in for the hug. We just sit on the couch and throw on the trash shows we find on hulu, with breaks to grab wine, popcorn, and peanut m&m’s. Chelsea left that night still not knowing what was truly bothering me. That’s how she’s become one of my best friend, she doesn’t have to know the details of what is going on but she will still always be there for me.

After she had gone I went back to my glass of wine, pulled up the blanket and put on a chick flick that is horrible and for high school girls and should not be watched because gives that false awful hope that should not be given. However within an hour it will his me how truly horrible that movie is and will make me move on with life and forget the guy that is now on my mind. If he was just my friend then why does it bother me? This is just too dumb to make any sense of. School and family is what’s important right now, I need to stop being so selfish and just have all this me focus. That’s right I have been lazy and not taking care of this I have been needing to simply because I wanted to do something else.

I turn the tv off and just lay there for a bit in my own self pity, which is even sadder, but I believe it is what is needed to be done right now. Maybe going to the gym would be the better option.